Monday, May 11, 2009

...I Want You to Stop It...

My Mother’s Day was pretty alright this year even though my mom and I both had allergy sniffles, but other than that it wasn’t bad.

This is kind of a big deal since my mom and I have had our "moments" over the years but as I’ve grown older and learned better how she sees me it has helped improve how we relate to one another. I spent a lot of years thinking she didn’t like me and it turns out she just saw that I was more independent than most kids and treated me as such. Like that little kid you see walking to school in the morning with the parent walking two feet behind them. Parent never says a word unless that kid looks like she’s going to step off the curb without checking both ways first (Well at least you used to see that. I almost never see parents near the schools anymore- what’s going on people?)

Anyway, no matter the nature of our relationship, I have always known that I had a great mom. I know most people think that their mom is great, but really, my mom is one of the best around.

I know because I see things and people all the time that remind me how blessed I am to have had a little home training. I’m sure you see them, too. Kids and grown kids participating in some activity that makes you say “I feel sorry for your mother” a la “Menace to Society” (Or sometimes just “Where is your mother?” like that old JC Penny commercial).

Please feel free to share these Motherly Pearls of Wisdom with those unfortunate souls who clearly suffered some degree of maternal neglect growing up.

(and please give credit by linking back to this blog- appreciated!)

It really does look like a busted can of biscuits when you're a size 22 barely squeezing into the size 16 jeans with a belly shirt on and all 6 of your rolls of fat squishing out the sides. “Muffin tops” are not sexy. STOP IT. Okay, and why are grown women wearing belly tops anyway? Those are strictly for college students on spring break at the beach with tight abs. If this doesn’t apply to you stop it, and I mean that. This chick actually ruined my appetite the other day with that; trying to waddle her wide behind to the salad bar of all places; looking like the Michelin Tire Man in a bad outfit and dollar store hairweave. Don’t do that. For real. Just because they make it in almost your size doesn’t mean that you have to put it on. I don’t care what old man hollered at you like it was cute, you know better.

Likewise if you are some little tiny, skinny, petite girl this does NOT mean that you can put on the shortest, tightest thing you can find. I realize that you may think that tiny stretchy skirt makes you butt look bigger, but you’re wrong. STOP IT. You have the advantage of being able to wear a lot of nice things, so wear NICE things. Present yourself like a lady. It shouldn’t be cut up to here and dropped down to there. No one wants to see all that. I mean, someone wants to see it, but that individual either has a pocket full of singles or is on some registered offenders list somewhere. If you can fit your whole outfit into your purse or a jean pocket, it’s too small. Go put the rest of your outfit on.

And fellas, be gentlemen and stop encouraging these confused women with your weird and backwards compliments. “I like it when a big girl wear something she’s too big for.” Clearly, this is not a compliment even if you meant it that way. And the girl you’re talking too is obviously too dense to know she was just insulted so the only thing missing to make this disaster a complete catastrophe is for you two dummies to hook up and reproduce a third. STOP IT. A real compliment does not reference any part of a woman’s body below her shoulders even if it is hanging and/or bulging out of her clothes. Unless your ultimate goal in life is to end up in the second or third (or fourth) chair on the Maury Povich show waiting to find out if you are the father, don’t waste your time on a woman that didn’t waste any time on trying to pull together a decent outfit. And no more of that hissing or sucking sound to get a girl’s attention. Try this: “Hello.” I know, crazy, right? But just try it. You’d be surprised at what kind of amazing woman you might find with that one.

And fix yourself up while you’re at it. You don’t have to look like you’re going to a black church on Mother’s Day, but at least be neat and clean. By neat, I mean brush your hair/pick your ‘fro, silence any stains, and eat a breath mint. If we’re expected to be all prettied up for you, the least you can do is not blow us back on heels with your breath when you tell us how nice we look.

And by clean I mean hit the shower, use some soap and wash all up and in through everything. Running through someone’s sprinkler doesn’t count. And those so-called body sprays that you can allegedly use without a shower just make you smell like floral scented bug spray. STOP IT. Get IN the water and get ALL parts soapy, rinse, repeat if necessary and then use a little lotion. Men tend to think some grooming products aren’t meant for men. Lotion does not fall into this category. If you have dry skin (or even if you don’t), please, please apply some kind of moisturizer. No woman wants to be cut up and bloody because your dry leg touched her leg under the covers. And in (nearly) the same category keep your nails neat. Your toe nails shouldn’t be long enough to get a French manicure and keep your fingernails clean no matter the length. If it looks like it’s carrying dirt and bacteria, we don’t want it in or near us giving us some sort of nasty infection.

And ladies, if your toe nails are so long that you need to go up a shoe size, you might want to invest in some clippers too.

Overall, if you can’t walk in it don’t wear it.

Men pull your pants up. I’m still surprised at how many guys still have their pants hanging down that low. That’s an ugly look in junior high, and uglier look in high school and a super ugly look if you’re supposed to be grown. STOP IT. There really have been documented cases (on Cops, alright) of idiots that got caught because they were tripped up by their own pants. (Not advocating you flee the police, just saying…) You don’t have to switch over to the super skinny jeans, but just aim for something that’s close to your actual size. No super big baggy falling down pants and no jeans that look like leggings (unless you are Prince or Pharrell Williams, and Mr. Williams was pushing it on the Nylon magazine cover)

Ladies, some of you can work the stilettos. The rest of you just look stupid. If a person on crutches passes you in the mall at a high speed because you’re walking too slow in an attempt to not fall down in your shoes, you probably need to lose a few inches on the heels. Why are you wearing high heels at the mall anyway? It’s not the bar or club, or an audition as a stilt walker for the circus, it’s the MALL all you do is walk around it from store to store. That’s like wearing high heels during Carnival in Rio. If you’re purposely trying to make your feet hurt just run over them with the car and stay home, otherwise STOP IT and get out of my way when I'm trying to shop. Supermarkets, too. I’ve heard guys say they like to pick up girls in the grocery store near the fresh produce, but I also heard them say they’re checking to see if she looks like she can get down in the kitchen not get up on the pole (no offense to pole dancers). If you go from looking like a racehorse jockey to a NBA star because of your shoes, they’re too tall.

Having said all that,
Mommy loves you

Songs stuck in my head right now:
Robbie Nevil – C’est La Vie Kanye West – Paranoid
Some fun artwork:

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