Update: This is the post previously titled "I Am Alone and You are Lonely" - please see Mea Culpa to find out why I changed the title
(and this might not apply to you if you're smarter than average)
I stumbled upon a short article the other day about a woman that was 106 years old, never drank, smoked, wore make-up or got married. She said she never found “Mr. Right” but was starting to think about settling down. And also thinking of maybe trying some make up. This lady might be my hero.
Sadly most of the comments that followed the article were from irate women barking about how the woman was an idiot for not recognizing that there was no perfect man and maybe if she had worn some make up she wouldn’t be on the verge of dying alone.
Jeez, ladies, what’s all the anger about?
First, we ALL die alone. I don’t care if you’re surrounded by every member of your family when you take your last breath, and I don’t care if you’re right next to someone who is also taking their final breath in that same minute, you are still dying alone. Wherever you go after you die, you will be strolling, floating, gliding, or dropping there by yourself.
Second, maybe she’s spent her lifetime being naturally prettier than all of you, and didn’t need make up to redraw her face and trap some guy into thinking she was something other than she was. Don’t be mad about it, focus on fixing your own face.
Finally, who said anything about “Mr. Right” being “perfect”? That’s what’s wrong with these broads today, you get all your exercise jumping to conclusions. These chicks were talking about how relationships are about compromise and loving someone despite their flaws and not being so picky. Which leads me to think they will accept anything and have probably accepted losers and I guess now we know why they were so angry. All she said was she never found the “right” one for her.
So now because you’re stuck in whatever crap relationship you’re stuck in, you want everyone else to suffer, too, is that it? Oh, please, get out of here with all that. Isn’t your fat lazy husband screaming from the sofa for you to bring him a beer or something? Go occupy yourself with “compromising” and leave self respect to the better women of the world.
Speaking of self respect, I also happen to come across a book at the library last week called I Didn’t Work This Hard Just To Get Married: Successful Single Black Women Speak Out, by Nika C. Beamon. It’s a collection of essays and interviews with the aforementioned successful single black women discussing why they weren’t married either by choice or by circumstances. I was hoping to get some interesting stories from the “by choice” category but alas the book didn’t offer what I was hoping for.
Unfortunately this book did little to dispel the myth that deep down each and every woman in the world only wants to be married and have a family. Even a happily single woman now is really just finding great ways to cope until the finally at long last, she meets a man and “lives the dream.”
What the fudge, man? Why can’t anyone seem to get this right?
If you are interested, this is how it really works:
1) Be happy with yourself. Be whole in and of yourself. Do the things that make you thrive, survive and remain happy by yourself
2) Be friendly and accept friendships. You are not Miss Jane Pittman so there’s no reason for you to stop every boy you meet on the street and ask “Is you the one?” If you’re friend becomes your lover you could potentially live happily ever after together but it almost never works out the other way around. Not only will you still probably find yourself alone but you might also find yourself with a lovely parting gift if you know what I mean. Stop saying dumb things like, “I’m just looking for companionship.” You can get that with family, friends or a pet. What you really mean (and what he’s hearing) is that you’re looking to get your bang on. And that’s fine, but don’t try to sweeten it up by pretending it’s a relationship because you don’t want to come across slutty. Serial monogamists are still sluts. Own up to it. There’s nothing technically wrong with ‘getting around’ but the lying and excuses are what make you look bad. A truly sexually liberated woman would agree.
3) The “right” guy will be as happy and whole as you are. He will add good things not bad, and he certainly won’t take away any joy. If he’s not one of your blessings and adding to your other blessings, then be blessed and move on.
One final thing about this book had me yet again grateful for free library books. The near last chapter is called “Salvation for Single Sistahs?” (I didn’t add the question mark, it’s part of the title). This chapter discusses basic options for women who decide or feel that finding a husband is just not possible for them including “having love without commitment.”
The author poses as a famous example Kim Porter and Sean “Diddy” Combs. She mentions his relationship with Jennifer Lopez and his further “humiliation” of her by getting another woman pregnant just before Kim became pregnant with twins. (Even though shouldn’t the other woman feel “humiliated” since she was pregnant first?)
“Even after the split Porter remains dedicated to him, refusing to attack him or his character, once again demonstrating the loyalty and resilience of black women.” (Beamon, p.158)
I don’t think we need to pity Kim Porter. She got what she came for: a big fat check. And no I don’t assume every woman with rich boyfriend is a gold-digger, but it’s hard to think otherwise if ol’ girls primary source of income for the past 16 years has been celebrity child support.
Kim Porter went out the same way she came in. She convinced her then friend Misa Hylton to leave Puffy because she saw signs of cheating. As soon as Misa moved out, Kim moved in and tried to pull the old innocent “I just needed a place to stay” routine. She had a small baby so he let her stay. After that , she stuck her claws in his pocket and held on.
I’m not suggesting their relationship isn’t a real one, but like a lot of “real “ relationships, if the foundation is deceit and manipulation, it’s not going to be a very strong relationship, even if it is a long one.
Bottomline is this: the only surefire way to find yourself in a happy relationship is to be a happy person, welcome other happy people and grow and be happy together over time.
But if you can't stand to spend just a little time alone, or rather in your own company, what makes you think someone else is going to want to spend some time in your company, let alone, a lifetime with you?
Song stuck in my head right now: Vikter Duplaix "Pure"