Sunday, October 18, 2009

...You Embarrass Me (Females), part deux...

Mea Culpa
You aren’t mistaken: I change the title of the last post to better reflect the content. Plus, someone that read it felt offended and thought it was directed at them in particular, based on a recent conversation.

Maybe she was in my mind a little, but the piece was not specifically about her, so I apologize for any bad feelings or misrepresentation. It was not my intent. I was only speaking my mind about some relationship issues that come up over and over again with women that completely unnerve and yes, embarrass me, as a female.

In the past, my relationships have always been friendships that blossomed into something else. The “meet-date-screw-relationship” concept is foreign to me. I know people do it, but I don’t understand it, and I find myself surprised at how widespread it is.

It seems to me that the mechanics of intimacy would make it difficult to meet a guy and then “do” him three dates later. How do you allow yourself to let someone make that level of contact with you so quickly? And I said “three dates” because my experience has been this is the time most guys get antsy about the subject. Some have even been fairly aggressive about it to the point of me finding myself mentally planning my exit and grateful that I had taken Muay Thai boxing lessons.

So called “Romantic relationships” for me are Fun, but not a Necessity. I have too many other sources of guaranteed joy to turn to something as unreliable as another person. I don’t find it very safe or very smart.

On top of that, my upbringing and my many close friendships with men have lead me (perhaps erroneously) to the conclusion that it is a sign of weakness (and possibly mental illness) to actively desire a relationship.

In other words, if you are a woman who has…

… ever prayed for God to send you a man, or

…you’ve asked friends to fix you up with someone nice, or
…you’ve logged on somewhere to meet someone online,

In my opinion, you are an idiot.

And/or you might need professional help and medication.

And even though I don’t completely disavow this thinking, I can see where it might be not entirely factual or at the very least hurtful to friends of mine (and women I don’t know) so for that, I extend a sincere apology.

I like to believe I am an open minded person, but it’s starting to look like by “open minded” I meant, “see it my way, or you’re free to go your own way.”

As a person with a limited number of serious, long term personal relationships, I acknowledge what seems like a lack of compassion for women with a higher number on their score card. I understand everyone has to find their own way HOWEVER…

It’s a two way street. My choices should be respected, too. I am not picky, I’m consciously selective.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request for me to only consider a relationship with a man that is first my friend and respects my mind. I need to be able to share some intellectual things with you for a while before I can even think about sharing some physical things with you. Intimacy is an incredibly close, passionate and spiritual act that with the right person is absolutely natural. Everything else is just practice, and if you have to practice at something like this, well then maybe it’s just not for you.

I would like to believe that relationships and sex don’t have to go hand in hand, but I think that it would be pretty naïve of me to believe otherwise. I think it’s fair to say that I’m not jumping to conclusions to think a woman’s “need” for a relationship might have more to do with her hormones than her genuine happiness.

Over the years I have found that the words, “I’ve chosen to honor celibacy principles” will scare off a man faster than the words , “Well, I’ll be 15 on my next birthday.” Some guys would rather risk going to jail than just go take a cold shower.

But these are things that bother me. If all of this is silly to you, and you think I’m “socially immature” or an “unrealistic prude” and you feel comfortable with how you choose to get your bang on, handle your business. I can’t change your mind about it anyway.

And I definitely applaud any woman that doesn’t care about what other people think (here, you and I are the same). But I wish you understood how your choices affect us all. I wish you could understand how a decision you make based on (or reflective of) a lack of self-value, it makes it difficult for any of us to be valued.

I wish you could know as much as I do how wonderful you really are, and how “needing” anyone other than yourself is a just another way of holding up a sign to the world that says, “I am no one special”

And nothing could be further from the truth.

Musical notes stuck in my head right now:
Lizz Wright "Another Angel"

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