Sunday, December 20, 2009

...This is Part Where You Judge Me...

This post is coming from a different place, so despite my best self-editing efforts, it contains language some might find offensive.

I don’t give any details, but slight trigger warning anyway.

A major rule that governs my life is “you are all you have.”

If you want it done, go do it. And if you think you need help, there is no such thing as help unless you help yourself.  If you get yourself into a situation, get yourself out of it.

I don’t rely on anyone for anything and I make all of my plans with me in mind. It’s actually quite liberating; a complete disregard for what other people think or feel….This is the source of my happiness. Except when it isn’t. 

Turns out the flaw with the philosophy is that it leaves you in an odd position whenever someone else needs help. Do you help, or worry about yourself?

Reasons I should help:

  1. Moral obligation
  2. If I don't, who will? (For the record, no one else did)
  3. It might save a life, or a lifetime of pain.
Reasons I should not help:
  1. It's not even happening, I imagined the whole thing. All three times.

  2. It wasn’t even what I thought it was. It was just a bad kid screaming and I was projecting my own issues onto the situation.
  3. Why should I put myself in harm’s way for someone I don’t know in a situation I know nothing about?
  4. I’ve been here before and when I tried to get help no one would help me. (The bitch at Child Protective Services asked me, “Well what color are these people?”)
  5. If I heard the screaming, I know someone else did, and if they didn’t intervene, why should I?
  6. There was another adult in the same house as the kid, why didn’t she do anything?
  7. I think I know one of the people involved and based on our relationship it would be easy for me to be dismissed as a liar with an axe to grind.
  8. People that are crazy enough to hurt people they know and are supposed to love are surely crazy enough to hurt people they don’t know or love. (This means me)
  9. I can’t protect myself now any better than I could then, and I don’t recall anyone coming to my rescue when it was me.
  10. If her mom doesn’t know anything’s wrong or doesn’t care enough to do something about it, then damn that, I don’t have any kids, it’s not my responsibility.
  11. Since it was me, and I’m still here, and millions of us have survived it, then so will this kid.
In fact, I think I’m a better, stronger person for it. I’m not saying it was easy or that I don’t still have my bad days like I’ve been having the last few days since this last incident with this last screaming kid, but for the most part I’m a very strong, well adjusted person. Sometimes I still scream, but just on the inside.

So fuck that and fuck you. You read the list, and the “should not” list was definitely longer than the “should” one.

Now this is the part where you judge me and try to pretend like you would have dropped everything to help, and I’m a bad person and should be ashamed of myself. I repeat: fuck you.

And it’s funny how everyone swears they would help a kid in a situation like that, and yet, there are millions of us with the same story: I was screaming, and no one seemed to have heard me.

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