Thursday, May 27, 2010

...It's Safe to Say that I'm Not Saving it For Marriage…

I should clarify that this title is referring to my reasons for not wanting to get married. It has nothing to do with if  I'm "saving" it or "sharing" it. (That's a whole 'nother topic there!) What follows is a cleaned up baby version born out of  an email reply I sent to a friend on the topic. One day I'll post the original reply!

A friend of mine recently asked me why I insist that I will never get married. It occurred to me that my reasons all fell into one of three, possibly four slightly interdependent categories:

1) Not looking 
2) Not finding 
3) Common sense 
4)Rebellion (possibly)

Not looking

I’m not looking for anyone primarily because I don’t believe you can look for a person.
You look for lost keys, or new shoes, the right outfit, the perfect hair conditioner, or any number of things. But you don’t look for people just for the sake of finding them. Unless they’ve been officially declared missing, then why would I just be out on the hunt for someone I don’t know and may never meet? I just don’t see the logic in it. Not finding

 In the meantime I’ve been known to occasionally cross paths with a guy that on first glance I might find remarkable within the frame of the environment. After a few interesting conversations by email or phone, I may or may not decide to pursue it further. And if I do end up on date, there’s no promise of a second date. Part of this is because I just don’t really enjoy dating.
It’s like bad dinner theater.
Two people pretending to be all the types of normal they think the other person wants them to be. I despise this so much, I generally don’t bother with the pretending, and frankly, that doesn’t go over very well with guys. I can’t just sit, nod politely and bat my eyelashes. I think that’s a real skill and I just don’t have it in me. It’s like sex appeal: some people got it, and some don’t. 
I ain't got it.
And some might think they can dress something up or disguise something down enough to make you think it’s there, but if it’s not, it’s just not. If it feels right, I do it. And if it doesn’t, why bother? I understand that the tradition is to ignore any early yellow or red flags and concentrate on what’s “wonderful” about the person, but I happen to think it’s stupid (not to mention unsafe) tradition.

 I’m upfront about what I think I would like to have:

  • Smart (And by smart I mean I want to learn things from and with you, not talk down to me like I’m an idiot or a naïve teenager with ‘daddy issues”)
  • Funny (seeing the humor in things, in people, in me and in yourself)
  • Kind (thoughtful, a good honest heart, and the ability to show some compassion)
  • Hardworking (I’m not as interested in what you’re going to do, as much as I am in what you’re actually doing)

 That’s it. Four little measly things- how hard is that? You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to find all of that in one person. Would I compromise? Nope. This is basic stuff and it speaks to the core of who a guy might be. Everything else is really superficial and can change over time or be an act in the first place. None of those things are characteristics that you could fake for very long. And before you say, “yes a guy could” I’m telling you, “no, a guy couldn’t.” If you don’t see what’s wrong after awhile, that’s a choice you’ve made to be blind to the facts. Own up to it already.

 Common Sense

 They say that a married man lives longer, remains healthier, and is happier than a single man. The exact opposite is true for married women. Coincidence? I think not.
As soon as she ties the knot she shortens her lifespan, gets sick (which I’m sick enough as is) and becomes miserable. What part of this is supposed to be enticing to a chick? Even if it’s not true, I don’t personally know any happily married people. I know people that say in so many words that it’s better than dying alone, but married or not, you’re going to die alone anyway. And since when does picking the lesser of two evils count as happiness? I’m thinking I want to spend time with people that I like and that like me and we have a happiness together that we don’t have apart. If that’s not there, then what’s the point?


 I’ve spent my whole life being different in one way or another.
Not intentionally, but whenever I stand out in crowd, it’s not necessarily for positive reasons. And I guess I’m used to it. And maybe I even enjoy it a little. I’ve heard that all little girls dream of getting married and having babies, but I never had those dreams. I’ve dreamed of my career as a writer, the home I would live in, the pets I would own, and on bad nights, I’ve dreamed of falling down never-ending stairs, but I’ve never dreamed of marriage or kids.

I can’t say I was doing that on purpose, but I can say that knowing that everyone else is doing it, is reason enough for me to do something different. Most people are entirely too foolish for me to consider them "role models" and I am my own leader.  I’ve seen girls lose their looks, their minds, their money and themselves in pursuit of the whole marriage sham, and not just once or twice, but repeatedly. Why? I guess because they think they’re doing the right thing. It’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? Maybe. But who says? And why should I trust them? Why not think and make decisions for myself?

I like myself too much to steer me wrong. I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now....Check back with me in 35 years.

Since this song always puts me in a good mood and it's been stuck in my head this week, I was almost in a good mood all this week (almost).
Sergio Mendes - Magdalenha

 Took me forever to find out who recorded this
Royksopp - Sparks

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