Wednesday, September 22, 2010

...I'm Getting Older and Wider- uh, Wiser...

This post contains an eensy-weensy , teeny tiny bit of nudity. If that offends you, makes you uncomfortable, or if someone like a parent or significant other will beat you senseless for looking at it, please skip to another post. Otherwise, hit the jump for the story.
After my first cardio cycling class last week I learned a few new things and remembered a few others.

I learned

  1.  Few things make your butt feel bigger than a bicycle seat
  2. I might not be as tall as I think I am (since “an average height seat adjustment” left me pedaling the whole time on my tippy toes)
  3. I am woefully out of shape

 I remembered

  1.  If the instructor became an instructor to meet personal fitness goals, she’s not going to be a good instructor. (learned this years ago working at a recreational center)
  2. Overly exercised-looking bodies on a woman of a certain age are just not attractive to me. (Think Madonna versus “Clare Huxtable”)
  3. Exercise sucks and, frankly sir, I don’t like it!

I think I wrote this most of this post in my head while trying to ignore the annoying adolescent girl “teaching” this class (note to fitness instructors: talking the entire time does not count as motivation, but irritation.)

It’s hard to take instruction from a chick with the face of a 16 year old girl and the body of a 10 year old boy. I’m trying to look good in a bikini, not disappear when I turn sideways!

I have had three bodies my whole life: stick skinny, round and squishy, or Ms. Junior Olympia, and I’ve loved and hated them all for one reason or another.
  • Stick skinny was nice because I could fit almost anything, but I didn’t necessarily look good in it.
  • Round and squishy is nice because it’s nice to snuggle up to and it looks better in clothes. The hard part is finding the clothes that fit and well, once you take the clothes off it’s not as cute.
  • Ms. Junior Olympia kind of went with my mean personality, but you can’t really have a boyish face like mine with muscles. All I needed was facial hair and everyone would have thought I was my dad’s son.

These days I’m in the round and squishy body which puts a bit of a stranglehold on my plans to take some nice –tasteful- nude pictures on my birthday this year. I want to celebrate my natural self, but I want my natural self to be smoking hot when I do it. Is that too much to ask? (That is sooo not me in the picture up there- - I just wish it was)

Body image is a tricky thing.

I generally don’t care what I look like and I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. Unfortunately that type of thinking leaves you without any kind of barometer and before you know it, you've turned into Sasquatch, or wonder why your jeans don't fit the same.

When I was a kid, I thought of myself as an ugly duckling. I thought that one day I would blossom into who I was meant to (physically) be and just wake up gorgeous, with a hot body.

Of course, I also truly believe that somewhere in the world, there’s a small village with a look-alike statue of me erected in honor of my unique and amazing beauty. And when I show up, they’ll all worship me as their queen. (Denial? No. Delusional? Possibly.)

She found her village worshippers,
why can't i find mine?
I just remembered something else.

I hate exercise classes.

I hate the physically fit people that show up to the beginner’s classes because they’re too insecure to go to the intermediate and advanced classes. They want to pedal and step beside the fat girl because they think it makes them look better.

Why did I pay money to be in an environment I don’t like doing something I can’t stand? And I find myself so frustrated by this whole thing, all I can think about is where I’m going to stop to get a big fat cheeseburger on the way home.

I’m going to stick it out just to get my money’s worth. But to get to where I want to go, I probably need to buy some cheap workout videos and do some research on nutrition since clearly this stationary bike isn’t going to get me very far. (punny!)

Some therapy to figure out where all of this is coming from might not be a bad idea either. Vanity is so unhealthy for you.

Someone's very cool video for a very cool song


Produced by Chad Hugo and Kenna. No wonder it rocks. I could listen to this song on repeat for hours. Okay, I admit, I have.

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