Wednesday, November 10, 2010

...I Know What Boys Like...

A guy friend read my marriage post and had the nerve to ask me “Well what do you bring to the table?” I mean, really, the audacity.

The answer is, uh, well, nothing.  Or at least nothing that a guy actually wants.

Oh sure, they say they want a smart girl, or someone with class and independence, but as soon as a ditzy skank that lives at home with her mom and survives off of child support payments walks by, you guys will run over that smart chick to jump in line with all the other knuckleheads for your trip on the hoe train. Yeah, I said it.

I have actually been knocked to the floor by a guy running to grab the attention of some girl in a restaurant. A fat with no booty and a sideways hairweave-wearing chick. It wasn’t even human hair. It was like, Family Dollar bag o’hair. And she just giggled at me being picked up off the floor by the manager while she rattled off her phone number to plow-boy.

I can only take comfort in assuming that one of them has given the other one an STD by now, so score one for the funny looking nerdy girl.

So what do you boys really like?

Well if I had to take a guess, based on experience I would say a hot girl with head to toe looks that are so amazing all of your friends want to do her. Or if she’s not that hot, she should at least appear easy to get in the sack. Which reminds me, she should also be a little on the dumb side with very little self esteem and possibly “daddy issues,” all of which make her easy to control. What else? Slightly slutty is a plus, right? Not a complete whore, but the kind of girl that doesn’t need much convincing.

 Oh, and if she can do this, you’re interested.

It surprises me that Ciara hasn’t gone further in her career considering how often she maneuvers herself into this pose. I say that in jest and with love. She seems like a sweetheart. And I hear she's really smart, so hugs and kisses to her in all her lovely legginess. 
It also seems to me that even though guys complain about girls that only want money, they secretly enjoy giving her a wad of cash to go shopping with her friends. I think it feeds their ego or something.

I am none of those things.

I’m not cute, I’m definitely not dumb, my self esteem is high, and I had a good relationship with my dad (and thus, have a high standard for men). I practice celibacy and I hate shopping (except at bookstores), I have my own money, and I could give a flying fruit nugget about your ego. Well, maybe I care about it, but I don't feel I'm any more responsible for yours than you are for mine.

So then what's so great about me that I qualify for having my own "list of demands" in a mate?

Well for starters, I offer all the same things I want (smarts, humor, kindess, and hardworking), so I will at least match your efforts and "do my part" in the relationship. I know a lot of girls that think just being a pretty face next to yours is enough to make you jump through flaming hoops to keep them around. I am not one of those girls.

On a more superficial level: I can cook, my finances are in order,  my butt's kinda cute, and I promise to tell you everyday how hot you are. I'm not sure of anything else because my mind just doesn't work that way. If you're really interested in those surface things, then I guess I suck and it would never work out anyway.

I don't think I should have to forfeit my right to a wishlist. Just because I'm average looking, read books, and have opinions doesn't mean I'm not allowed to develop my own concept of the ideal guy for me. I run into ugly, picky guys all the time that act like they must have a cute chick and no one ever judges them over it. (Which technically is a good idea so if you have children, hopefully the cute will offset the not cute)

Plus, a wishlist is exactly that: a list of wishes.

So if I say that I wish Pharrell Williams  would knock on my door, give me a Doberman puppy, and tell me he has an extra plane ticket to an exotic location and it's mine if I want it. That would be okay. And then he could play the drums for me... in the nude. And help me figure out if the brain unravels like a big noodle or pulls apart like a big puzzle.  And then sing the alphabet through those perfect lips. All that's okay because it's still just a wish.  

Wishes are always okay. I wish looks weren't so important. I wish I didn't need glasses. I wish the bras that come in my size didn't cost 70 bucks. I wish I didn't have migraines. I wish the Sean John women's line didn't look like hooker gear. I wish I could go back to the age of five and just stay there. I wish I could hit the lottery. I wish, I wish...

Frankly, it isn't likely to happen, and I'm not crazy enough to believe otherwise. But the good news is that I can wish it all day long and no one will get hurt because of it.

Finally, regardless of any of that, I am still just a regular human being, and I want what I want.

Part of what I want is someone that on some level would find and know what’s great about me, and love it. If everyone is beautiful to someone then I would be the most beautiful thing in the world to him inside and out. In his mind, it would be obvious what I bring to the table. And since my best relationships were the ones that always started with us as friends, then at least we would have that.

You would have to love me to be with me. And I would love you, too. And all the good stuff that's supposed to come with it surely will.
Oh, and as I reread this, I think he would totally be clever enough to have noticed some paragraphs back that maybe I do have a quality that guys like. Or he would at least think it’s funny that it’s in here.

Pharrell's vocals on this are so pretty I almost wondered if it was really him. Tyga "First Time"

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