I had a chance to view all five parts of VH1’s “Undateable” series (“Top 100 things that guys do to guarantee they won’t be dating or having sex”) and nowhere on that list did they mention the guy who called to see if I wanted to go out for a New Year’s Eve.
He was my first date in years. Really. Mostly because I prefer group activities. It makes it easier to ignore the person that starts getting on your nerves. I'm not sure what possessed me to agree to the whole 1:1 thing with this guy last summer, but I did a bad thing, and I was punished for it. On top of that, I broke my extended dateless streak for the worse 40 minutes of my adult life.
I kid you not, the first words out of his mouth…
Loser: So I hear you work with retards, cripples, and crazies. What’s that like? (smile)
(Help) Me: (blank stare with just a hint of I’m-going-to-stab-you-in-the-eye-now)
Loser: I’m sorry, someone dared me to say that. So what’s the politically correct term? Like, what do y’all call ‘em?
(Help) Me: “People” We call them people.
Loser: Oh, all right.
Crappy idle chatter ensues and I try to move to something that I thought was impossible to screw up: music.
(Help) Me: Last five CDs you bought.
Loser: You mean, paid cash for?
He ended up being a “die hard Rihanna” fan. Did I mention he was over 40? He had no idea who Kenna was and thought The Roots were "overrated." Well, let’s try hobbies then.
(Help) Me: What’s the last book you read or what are you reading right now?
Loser: I’m not really that into books.
(Help) Me: Oh, well, books aren’t for everyone. What’s the last interesting thing you read?
Loser: I’m not really into reading.
(Help) Me: (blank stare with just a hint of now-who’s-the-“retard”?)
More strained crappy idle chatter. It is during this time he tries to remember if he has 3 or 4 children, no wait 5, well he’s not sure about that one, so just four. No, three. It’s three.
A reprieve from conversation comes by way of the salad being served.
Loser: So how important is sex to you in a relationship?
(Help) Me: You know what, I’m not even going to make up an excuse for a polite exit. I just don’t like you and I’m leaving now.
When he called back just before New Year’s he apologized and gave the generic “we got off on the wrong foot” speech. Took him only 6 or so months after the date to come up with that? Nice.
I would imagine that they left “being a jerk” off the list because that’s supposed to be obvious, but I don’t think it’s really all that obvious because it comes up too often.
I know that the list is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, and maybe it was a little funny, but a lot of those things I would choose every time and any day over last summer’s Loser.
93. Vanity Plates ~ I associate this with a certain personality type. It doesn’t make you undateable, but it does make me wonder…
92. Quoting Lines From Movies ~ I can’t complain, I do this all the time. (and frankly)
88. The Flatulence Trifecta ~ Better out than in
83. Rearranging Junk / Butt Picking ~Because it makes me think you’re wearing a thong
71. Names For Breasts ~ there’s only one name in particular that makes me want to cut you, but I heard a cute guy say it once, and I was too busy drooling to correct him so …
70. Listening To Lite FM ~ well the one around here plays Kenna, so no objections here.
69. Skullwear ~ I like skulls. I like anything smart enough to have ever spent time around a brain.
68. Speaking In Cartoon Voice ~ Disagree, it’s funny if you’re good at it, and as long as we’re not in the bedroom
66. Pet Names for Penis ~ As long as it’s not named after a woman, I couldn’t care less what you call your doodle
59. Owning Nunchucks ~ without owning those ninja death star thingies.
58. Bling ~ only if you still call it bling and you’re wearing all over everything.
55. Busting Out Porn Too Soon ~ how about busting out porn at all?
51. “Moist” ~ Doesn’t bother me. But “tender” or “gentle” Ewww!
49. Crotch Grab ~ let me do that for you
45. Penis Enlargement ~ see #49
42. Chain Wallet ~ I kind of find these hot, as long as the chain isn’t bejewelled
36. Burping Loudly & Proudly ~ see #88
34. Baby Talk ~ I can barely stand when babies do it.
24. Attending Geek Conventions ~ without me
23. Talking in Third Person ~Angel absolutely finds this disturbing
17. Bad Facial Hair ~ is there such a thing? Unless you can chew your own mustache…
16. Gross Nails~ WOW! This should have been number 1. Germs and bacteria do not make good gifts
11. Steroids. ~ Or any other drug that makes you throw people across a room
10. Creepily Into Mom ~ Or Mom creepily into you. Anyone else see LisaRaye making out with her daughter on her show and want to hurl?
8. Hocking Loogies ~ Why does anyone even have to tell you this is offensive?
7. Mandals with Socks ~ I’m just irritated that you call them “Mandals” (likewise for earlier mentions of mandanas, moobs, and murses)
3. Chewing Tobacco ~ Or cigarettes, pipes, or bongs that you actually use (bongs as art are okay)
2. Talking About your Ex~ unless I ask, and I might
1. The C-Word~ cripples, crazies, and at least three other words I can think of will definitely get you sent home alone.
There were quite a few that I disagreed with, but these were just the ones I had an initial reaction to. You can click here to make your way to the full list
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I really didn't expect to find this online anywhere, but I'm so glad I did. Definitely a long time favorite.
Prince ~ Let's Go Crazy
This song makes me feel like I'm shopping at the mall of realism. The products would be named things like, "Crap You Don't Need," "Crap You Really Don't Need," and "Over-priced Crap." They would have "Low Self Esteem" specials and "Buy This to Make Your Neighbor Think You're Doing Better than You Are" sales. And for the ladies, specialty stores full of things you can't wear without risking permanent injury or damage at ridiculous prices. This would probably be called, "Buy this, or You'll Suck" or "Wear this and Catch a Man"
Don't bother with "hello" just say buy... N*E*R*D ~ The Man
Diddy- Dirty Money ~ A$$ on the Floor (Nice to know Swizz still makes beats that don't all sound like half time at HBCU football games)