Wednesday, February 2, 2011

...I Have to Do Better...

Today was a snow day for us.

We knew yesterday we would be closed today, so I broke a rule I set for myself at the start of every year and brought work home. Due to some unforeseen traffic issues, I was home much later than I anticipated (about four hours later) but I still managed to get most of my work done last night. The intention was for me to spend today working on some other things for myself.

Didn’t really work out that way.

Probably because I broke another rule.

My whole life has always felt like I’m that minor actor you see as an extra in every movie. They rarely have a line, never get a lead. You don’t even know their name. But they play the biggest small part ever. (“Girl #1,” “Hysterical Woman,” “Second Prostitute”)

They’re a catalyst for some major turn in the movie, but they’re on and off the screen so fast if you looked down to see where that dropped piece of popcorn landed in your lap or down your shirt, you probably missed them.

That’s me.

I feel like everyone around me feels completely secure that they will always be taken care of as long as I’m around (which is technically true, because that’s who I am) but I don’t feel like I have the same support, concern, or consideration.

It’s as if everyone thinks I just sit and wait for them to need something and then leap into action.
I’m the original genie in a bottle-- just conjure me up when you need something and store me in a decorative little jug on the shelf when you don’t. I only live to make your wishes come true.

To be fair, I prefer to remain low key. I have described myself as Hitch's hand in that one scene where he puts the pen in Albert's shirt pocket. I am aware  of and accept my responsibility of casting myself in bit parts in everyone else’s life movie. It’s not that I don’t make an effort to be the lead in my own story, but I think sometimes I feel obligated to show up for my part in other stories. And then I get mad about it.

Well I used to anyway. I don’t know if it’s the yoga or what, but lately it’s more like a fleeting moment of extreme anger, followed by resolve.

I know that I take very good care of people that I care about and they are well preserved. If I have to put them on hold for a minute, they’ll survive. I’m sure of it. Or maybe whatever it is, they’ll figure it out for themselves.

My dad used to always yell for us to bring him stuff whenever he was working in the basement on some project. Sometimes he would call you down to bring him the remote that was just on the other side of the room.

“Dad, really. What do you do when we’re not here? Watch the same channel all day, or would you get up and get this yourself?”

“Depends on what I’m watching, and how much I want to watch something else.”

(He also reminded me that getting the remote is one of the six main reasons people even have kids, but I’ll have to fill you in on that some other time.) But his answer made sense. Why do for yourself when can get someone else to do it for you? Of course you know Dad’s gone now. And I’m an adult… with my own remote.

And I’m bored with a lot of movies these days, so I’m going to do one better than changing the channel and I’m just going to turn the darn thing off.

How can I possibly call myself a writer without putting work into my own script?

I’ve been trying to write my own story for a while. And since I feel pretty confident that the same things and people that are pulling me away from this are the same people that would definitely not have an interest in my story, then they don’t need to be characters in my story. I’m writing them out, killing them off, or maybe if they’re lucky, I might use them as scenery.

But I think it's safe to say that this just became a one-woman show.

Song stuck right now...
A really cool friend (who's never wanted anything from me, yes he's that cool) got me hooked on this a while back. I like to sit in the middle of the bed and just breathe to it.

Ketamine Suns  ~ Out of Town (sounds like she's saying, "out of time" but it might just be the ticking sound underneath that's making me think that.)


"Doited Jade"  This song is so well done. The music feels a tiny bit raunchy, but the lyrics are very soft and pretty.


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