Tuesday, March 1, 2011

...Today is Self- Injury Awareness Day...

This butterfly was drawn by UnrealityXX for the Butterfly Project for Self Injury prevention.

“The Butterfly Project is where you draw a butterfly on your wrist and if you don't harm yourself before it washes away that means it's lived a full life and flew away happy.”


Upon further research I’ve found that you can draw the butterfly anywhere that you feel compelled to injure or cut yourself, and the only rule is that you can’t wash it off or do anything with the intent to make it disappear faster.

Everyone can participate- - Draw one for a friend! And don’t worry if your butterfly doesn’t turn out as artsy as this one.

I’m wearing mine as a show of support but there was a time when I really needed it.

--TRIGGER WARNING--

I accidentally discovered cutting when I prematurely removed a band-aid on a large wound and broke open a scab. I was riveted, woozy, fascinated and exhilarated.

I can still clearly see the scab partially stuck to the band-aid, and still hanging by odd, silvery-yellow pus-made skin threads to my knee. When I pulled the scab clear, the pink skin underneath immediately bubbled up with spots of dark red blood. And then the blood ran. And as quickly as it ran, it started to crust over.

I was so fascinated with watching my body trying to heal itself, I started picking and pulling at other wounds and scabs, making fresh ones if I had to. At some point I recognized a slight euphoric feeling with the process.

So the first time someone “hurt” me, and I couldn’t tell anyone about it, before I knew what I had done, I had open gashes on my arms and legs.

This went on for years until one day, everything (literally everything) stopped. I wasn’t being hurt anymore and therefore had no reason to hurt myself.

my squiggle
It wasn’t until an incident last summer that triggered some pretty severe flashbacks that I even thought about it again. It was remarkably hard not to do it but somehow I managed.

I can’t tell you from personal experience that the pain ever completely goes away. I know tons of women, years older than me that are still learning to cope. (Some better than others.)

But I can tell you whatever it feels like right now in this minute may not be what it feels like 1, 2, 10 or 20 minutes from now. Or days, or months, or years. Who’s to say?

But really, do whatever you safely can do to make sure you wait and see.

One to cry with (Sia ~ "Breathe Me")


And one to recover (Ledisi ~ "Alright")

4 comments:

  1. I think I'll try that...

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  2. Hi K,
    Hope you and your butterfly are still doing well :-)

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  3. I remember when i used to cut. i sometimes still have them urges to, cause i did it for so long. but i love this butterfly idea... its really good, where was this 6 years ago? lol

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    1. Hi Turtle,

      I can relate. Some days I end up with a butterfly on *both* arms. I'm glad someone came up with it.

      Hope you're well, and stop by anytime. There's always something goofy happening over here. :-)

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