Wednesday, April 27, 2011

...I'm Not Sure I'm Doing this Right...

Nerd that I am, I used to regularly check the blogger home page to visit the blog of note and then just keep hitting the “next blog” button until I run into a page that doesn’t have one. I enjoy reading other people’s blogs. Most of the time.

Still it’s hard not to notice a definite pattern. So much so that I find myself wondering if I completely have the wrong idea about how this thing is supposed to work. And since I’m still somewhat in limbo about what I plan to do with this blog, I thought I’d try my run through review system again.

If I were to decide to jump on board –and I most certainly will not- here’s what it seems I would have to do to “catch up” to all the other blogs.

The first thing I noticed is that I need more pictures. Way, way more pictures…

…Of my own feet.

…Of my drunk, high, half asleep, or just plain bored looking friends in the club pretending to be having a fabulous time

…Of food. And I’m not complaining about this one not one bit. Although I do find it annoying if the person claims to have baked it but doesn’t include the recipe.

I should overload the pages with pictures of my ugly, big- head kids with food and juice stains all over their faces, or carrying flowers or standing diaper-less in the middle of something gross. You know, I actually passed a blog where a lady dresses up her sleeping baby and poses fabric and crafts around her to make it look like a picture from a fairy tale. She does this daily. Way to kill that “busy mom” stereotype, lady. Her pictures will probably become a book and make her famous.

Outdoor pictures are a plus because then I could do the shadow/silhouette thing, and let my blonde hair blow in the wind, illuminated by the sun for that angelic touch. Because I guess only blondes can look angelic.

…Stick figure drawings to illustrate the most mundane things

me, being mundane

Me, after a shampoo without conditioner

Me, if stick figures weren't so inaccurate and stick-like

…Grandparents doing embarrassing things. My grandparents are all gone now. My grandfathers both passed before I was born and my grandmothers passed away 14 and 15 years ago. More than anything, I wish I had just talked to them more and got to know them better. Remember that the next time you get ready to post a video of your grandpa getting his dentures stuck in his corn on the cob.

….Picture of my “beauty haul.” I hate shopping for clothes and don’t ever wear makeup, so here’s the most beautiful haul of all in my eyes, my current library haul …

Pictures of my amazing vacation taken at little known landmarks, or in front of world reknown landmarks but at bad angles so that you can can’t recognize it anyway. In other words, “vacation” pictures that could have been taken anywhere.

Nude Pictures. Everything nude can apparently be counted as “art” and will give my blog the façade of artsy sophistication. I have found there are distinct variations for nude picture blogs:

...Uber-thin chicks that almost look ill because apparently heroin chic is back in style

....Headless semi-nudes for that soft core rural-plot porn feel. (Remember way back when rentals were on VHS and the orange tapes meant “this porn has a storyline”?) Either way, this girl’s got a nice set. I remember having perky boobs. Okay, I’m lying they were never perky.

Nude men. I should appreciate this more because they’re men and they’re nude, but they tend to all look alike: overly ripped. And they’re very rarely completely nude unless you hit an actual adult website. Some of the best pictures I found were on sites that cater to gay men, so they’re usually very attractive men but presented in ways that don’t necessarily appeal to me as a chick. See for yourself here, here, and here.

Now let’s take a minute to really look at this next one. I made it a little bigger because big pictures are also all the rage. But details count, so why not.

I think this picture is really impressive and fantastic. The stairs with the antique railing, the narrow hall, mini-mixed tile floor, and marble-ish, lower panels. This house reminds me of those very old beautiful houses that used to be everywhere in Detroit before irresponsible youth with limited employment options got hold of them and screwed up what could have been some beautifully aging architecture and interior design.

I find the little acrobat to be modern. Her nudity is an accessory, not the focus. In fact, she’s not the focus, but she’s a sharp little surprise you can’t miss. Thumbs up. Wish I knew who the photographer was so I could find more, but s/he is super skilled. Really nice work.

What else would I need?

My profile should describe me as a “wife, mother, daughter, sister” because unlike the majority of blogs written by guys I would totally define myself based on my relationships to other people.

It also looks like I’m not graphic, detailed, or deeply personal enough either. If I’m going to have a blog that’s mostly words, I should be not only spilling the beans, but splitting them and scooping out in the dirtiest way possible.

...I should be sharing way too much information about something that no one really wants to know about. (I started taking biotin last year. It makes you quite hairy.)

...Graphic descriptions about anything on my body. (I mentioned the hair, right?)

...Graphic descriptions about my sex life (this blog would be an empty page)

...Extremely “deep thoughts” about trivial matters like contemplating breaking up with a serious boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for four whole minutes (Or more realistically if I should stop with the biotin, and for the record, I did but the hair abounds)

Finally to boost my popularity – aside from making snide remarks on other blogs and linking back to my own- I should over do it on the profanity and toss around over-used slang like “swag” and “sick” in a weak effort to seem indifferent and therefore, cool.

So that’s all there is.

I can’t say that there’s one style that I favored over another. In most cases, I did like the person’s blog, but it just didn’t feel like a direction I wanted to personally go in. I didn’t find anything that I wanted to nosedive into, or any concept that I loved enough to devote the time to, but it’s always nice to explore. Sometimes you only end up finding what you never want to do, and that’s good, too.

I think ultimately if I (re-)learned anything it's that you can almost never go wrong with being true to yourself. And whatever happens, I will always be sure to do just that.

Songs stuck in my head right now (not as cliche as I might have imagined)...
Mariah Carey f/ ODB "Fantasy" (remix) - The rap totally made this song.

MC Lyte f/ Missy Elliot "Cold Rock a Party" (remix)

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