Wednesday, May 11, 2011

...Your Conscience Might Be Giving You a Bum Steer...

Of all the things I’ve lost. I think I miss myself the most.

I was in there somewhere, and somehow along the way, I got careless and lost some pieces.

Of course, my mind was in there. Some attitude, a different body… an itty bitty piece of spirit I tried to keep separate from the rest in case I needed it. (Don’t you hate when that happens? You put something some place special so you don’t forget where you put it… and then you forget where you put it!)

Anyway, I’m sure I’m around somewhere. I'm confident I'll turn up before the week is out.

This is NOT a complaining post. I prefer to think of it as a sideways gratitude post.

It seems as soon as I got close to having everything right where I wanted it to be, it all shifted sideways.

But I’m going to say I’m grateful anyway because it could be worse.

Actually, it couldn’t be that much worse, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I figure as long as I keep telling myself it hasn’t completely turned to poop, then it hasn’t.

Be resolved to be resolved.

Someone I loved and respected very much said that to me once. I took it to mean that you will most certainly come up on the strangest and greatest of obstacles the minute you resolve to do something. The goal is to remain focused and follow through on your resolution. Whatever it is you have resolved to do, be committed in your thoughts and actions to do it.

Not sure who the big clown of the universe was who decided to test my resolve, but it is surely being tested.

Something’s not right with me, and I guess I’m going to need it later, so I have to fix it now so I don’t hit on a stumbling block or low wall that I can’t get over later.

If I had to guess, I would say it’s something related to me needing to be more flexible.

I’ve been feeling stiff for years. That’s one of the main reasons I took up the yoga practice late last year. Even though there are some noticeable changes, I can still feel that something about me is unwieldy, un-yieldy, or just won’t bend. So the stiffness and inflexibility seem to be physical manifestations of something else.

I feel weighted.

I feel like one of those wooden human models artists use. I can bend myself into any physical position but of course there is no life flowing through the blocks of wood.

Hmm, let me think. What was it that Pinocchio had to do to become a real boy?

Oh, crap.

I think he evolved because he committed an act of selflessness. Of course, it’s easy to show love for Gepetto because all he wanted was to be loved back. On the other hand, the whole mess could have been avoided if Gepetto had a put a little more thought into his reasons for wanting Pinocchio in the first place.

To be fair, I don’t think I know what it’s like to want something so bad that you make unwise choices and commit foolish acts without considering the consequences in order to get the object of your desire.

I learned so early on to beware and be aware of the big picture that even if I wanted to be spontaneous, I usually just ended up sitting down and developing a plan for my spur-of-the-moment act, complete with pros and cons. Then I make a back-up plan just in case.

To be fair again, I do know what it’s like to be co-dependent. I once saw a Stephanie Covington demonstration that explained why we stick close to people that we should be running far away from: that person’s going to fall anyway, but we love them too much to let them face-plant in the dirt, and it’s easier for us to catch them if we’re in closer proximity.

The only way to really move away is to prop them up elsewhere, or else move forward really, really quickly, don’t look back to see the destruction, and try to remember it’s not your mess to clean up anyway. It’s nice to give a hand to someone that needs it, but if that focker keeps yelping loudly for help on a regular interval, you’re bound to go deaf eventually. There really is only so much that anyone can do for someone else.

If we’re honest, we’ll admit that “right” and “wrong” are directly proportionate to the situation at hand. If Pinocchio had really let his conscience be his guide, how might things have been different? I’m willing to wager that in real life Pinocchio probably would have left Gepetto wandering the woods. But sometimes the tough choice is the best choice. Love isn’t always cuddling and coddling. Sometimes love is a swift kick in the butt because sometimes it just needs to be. So maybe Gepetto should have wrote off the other one, and crafted himself a new, improved boy made of wood.

Side note: I totally just flashed back to my mom telling me keep away from the waffle iron while the red light was on. My dad finally got tired of me standing too close and told me I should satisfy my curiosity and touch it if I didn’t want to trust my mom’s word. So I touched the waffle iron. For years, I couldn’t even think of a waffle without my finger tips feeling like they were blistering. And to this day, I trust my mom’s word.

Well, in case you’re wondering (because I wasn’t sure until now), I think I might be Jiminy Cricket in all this. His big reward in the end for tailing a miscreant and endangering himself for the safety and benefit of that little booger was what? A gold star?

Nowhere on my list of resolutions will you read “get a gold star.”

But then, the thing about me is that sometimes I will add things I’ve already done to my list of things to do just so I can check it off and enjoy the satisfaction of accomplishment. Plus, when I think back to my childhood one of my favorite things was getting back my homework with a little gold star on top. If it was enough to make me smile then, it oughta be enough to at least lift my mood now. So, gold star for Angel!

I am grateful for...

53. Disney cartoons
54. Hidden and subliminal messages in Disney cartoons
55. Being focused
56. Being resolved
57. Gold stars
58. Yoga
59. Jimmy Dean Griddle Sticks (they're microwaveable)
60. The ability to prop people up
61. The strength to stand on my own
62. The experience of learning from my own mistakes
63. The wisdom of learning from the mistakes of others

I went back about a week ago and pulled out this CD for some reason. Forgot how much I liked it.
Nas - It Ain't Hard to Tell

the Worlds Is Yours

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