Seems like every time I sit down to do some work on this blog, when I go back to edit I find something like this hidden in the text:
I try to hide it from my brain, but my heart is very much aware of how I feel about you. I do not like you, barely love you, and have in the past wished that you were dead just to be free of you. There are times when you make comments about killing yourself that some small part of me feels happy anticipation that you might do it; and other parts of me that knows that you are a liar, a fake, a complete phony, and you love to talk about your misery, but action is no longer part of who you are.
Here’s another one:
You say you try to get XXXXX to leave you alone but they won’t go. But if our relationship is any indication, I think realistically, you scream at them to go away all while you hold on to them to make them stay because you think you are shit when you’re alone.
I’m starting to think you’re shit, too.
A pathetic, narcissistic, head on backwards, delusional, disrespectful, lying, abusive, dumbass….
And it goes on. These aren’t even in the same article. I have a ton of articles (I stopped counting at 9) that I started but couldn’t finish because I was distracted by something, time constraints, or just frustrations. When I go back to look them over and see what the possibilities are, at some point I find a paragraph or two that as best as I can tell was written by some angry alter ego.
I have at least arrived at the conclusion that these paragraphs are really all a part of the same, one long thought. But I haven’t completely identified where they’re coming from.
Okay I’m lying. I know exactly where they’re coming from but I can’t speak on it. And that’s part of the rage that’s been building inside me for going a couple months now. Unfortunately speaking on it doesn’t address it, it exacerbates it.
Imagine if every time you sat down, the person closest to you backhanded you. But every time you stand up, the person closest to you backhands you again. You can’t really smack them back because, let’s say, they’re dying or something like that. You can’t walk away because they longer they stay separated from you the more crap they drag back with them once they find you again. The only way to get rid of this close person is to kill them, but you’re too cute for prison. And plus, you’ll be darned if you let them ruin your life anymore than they already have. That’s me right now: backhanded right down to my last frayed nerve.
Sometimes it feels impossible. I started out trying to do everything I possibly could to help the situation. Now I feel like there’s nothing I can do at all except try to keep my head covered.
But you get tired of living like that.
After awhile you start to realize that your feelings towards certain things or people are affecting every area of your life. Things that you might consider become instantly off limits for fear that you will encounter this “evil”… or else become it. It doesn’t matter if you recognize that the picture is distorted or unbalanced; it’s right in front of you. It’s most of what you know. And knowing that what you know is just a tiny particle of everything that’s out there doesn’t change it either.Your whole worldview goes off-kilter because someone that is your whole world is unstable.
I know it’s not smart of healthy to allow anyone outside of yourself to hold so much magic and power and influence, so that’s something I’m struggling with by working on. It gets hard to fight though when you are so badly beaten up. I’m smart enough to know that I am too closely connected to a situation spiraling out of control. I’m smart enough to know that this situation is going to happily drag me down to the core of its misery if I allow it. I don’t plan to allow it, but I’m still trying to figure out how to save myself.
They say, “no challenge, no change.” I’m always up for a challenge. And change is good.
They also say there are no coincidences and every place and time leads to another place and time.
My boss asked me randomly one day recently if I was doing okay and I had to stop and think if I had had one of these “written outbursts” out loud at some point. We talked for a minute and I spoke very nondescriptly on some recent issues I had been dealing with and she started talking to me about “setting boundaries” and “self-care.” I knew she was right but I was so mad at myself for being in this position, and uncomfortable with the topic I decided to demonstrate how “busy” I was by sorting a stack of books that had come in for our department library.
About four books down I found, Mason and Kreger’s “Stop Walking on Eggshells.” The expression had come up more than once in my written tirades so of course I stopped and flipped through the book and noticed all kind of things that paralleled my problem. I didn’t even remember ordering the book, but it’s in my hands now, so, I guess... it’s in my hands.
I made the decision earlier this week to be happy no matter what; to smile and go out of my way to be a friendly, cheerful person, even if I felt like dog doo. So far it's working pretty okay, and if it fails, I've lost nothing. Plus, I figure if negativity can rub off on you, then maybe positivity can, too.
I listen to this song all the time and for *some reason* it turned into something more than a great song with a cool video. Kelis ~ Young, Fresh and New
Cee-Lo ~ Living Again