Wednesday, July 27, 2011

...It's You...

Things are still not great.

The main reason I’m in such distress is because I’m still not allowed to speak about what’s going on. It’s interesting how there are so many of us who are so ill because we choose to hold on to things in order to protect others. And yet, none of it would even be an issue if someone else had put the same effort into protecting us in the first place. Or better still, if we thought enough of ourselves to be our own protectors.

Predator complaining about something...again.
My personal Predator is being allowed to manhandle, manipulate, and skip off scot-free because they have a life threatening condition. Allegedly.

As horrible as this sounds, you’ll never convince me they didn’t develop this condition as just another tactic to abuse the people closest to them. In fact, I wonder if they even really have it. If it’s really life threatening, and if it’s really made worse by stress, I wonder how they’ve managed to live this long. According to them, I am nothing more than a walking stress factor for them.

And yet they go on breathing.

Predator is in my home, on my nerves, complaining about everything and making it overwhelmingly clear to me that not only will evil show its ugly face on your doorstep, but it will eat your last fruit cup and not tell you until you go looking for it.

I mentioned before that I was looking into the Borderline Personality Disorder as a possible explanation for Predator’s disturbing behavior. I don’t typically believe in things like this. I think there can be a chemical imbalance sometimes. I think drugs or alcohol or even sex can fundamentally alter the mind. I think some people have traumatic experiences and can have difficulty coping either because they lack the knowledge, skills, or energy to do things differently. But I don’t believe every person who makes a series of bad choices does so because they are mentally ill. I think a lot of them are just bad choice-makers. And some of them are just dumb jerks.

I think Predator is a bad choice-making dumb jerk... even if the BPD signs are there.

According to these books, it all comes down to a feeling of emptiness, unworthiness, and fear of abandonment or rejection. BPDs act this way mostly with people they love because they want to prove themselves right. If they can push you away, then it must be true. They are unworthy and unlovable.

If that’s not the most assbackwards …

On top of that, I’m having a hard time understanding and accepting the idea that it’s not the person’s fault and they can’t help their outburst and the rapid moodswings are out of their control. As far as I’m concerned, if you can control it outside the house, you can control it inside the house.

Most of the advice suggests that you not take it personally and walk away when they become abusive. There’s nothing on how to kill them and get away with it which is what I was really hoping to discover in my research. Almost all of it centers on, this poor pitiful person is mean to you because they think you hate them.

I DO hate you. Because you’re MEAN. And pitiful. See how the loop gets perpetuated?

The whole thing makes no sense. And they have the nerve to want to change the name of the disorder because it might stigmatize the people who have it and turn acquaintances and even strangers against them.
It’s not the label that turns people against them, it’s the constant hopping from one foot to the other in order to accommodate your completely impossible desires. Desires that in no way involve any work on your part, and desires that are dependent on the people around you bending over with a target on their butt every 4 hours. People don’t like you if mistreat them, and that’s all there is to it.

Which brings me to the point of today’s post. Since I’m not allowed to talk to the person about their issues, or speak to anyone else about it, and since the point of this blog is to share stories of lunacy and idiocy as part of a learning effort, I will now share my list of…

Things to Do to Make Sure People are Not Wishing that You End Up Trapped in the Path of a Speeding Fire Truck being Driven by a Drunk without a License who is also Texting his Girlfriend and Changing the Radio Station, or something.

(Or How to be a Good Person)

Be grateful.
  • If you are homeless and have absolutely nothing, and someone invites you in to their home, unless they are being violent to you, don’t complain about anything there.
  • Don’t say the place is too small as your alternative is sleeping in the park; Very spacious, but not at all comfortable.
  • Don’t complain about the food. Again, if you don’t like sugar free or fat free foods, you can find all the sugar you desire from a garbage dumpster behind the nearest bakery, not too far from the park.
  • Don’t “borrow” your hosts’ clothes without asking, sweat in them, and then put them back in the closet smelling like funk and your perfume. And certainly don’t just sit there when they pull the clothes out, sniff it and pass out. Please apply first aid or at least call 9-1-1. Do not run their pockets while they’re unconscious.
Be mindful of money.
  • It is not helpful to you or your host to flush money like it’s urine (which you have a lot of due to excessive pop and juice drinking, which was becoming expensive since you drink everything in the house that’s not water and then have the nerve to demand more??? You’re like Audrey II, if he had wanted sugary drinks and junk food instead of human blood- although I swear you’d take the too if you thought it would irritate me).
  • You can’t spend other people’s money under the pretense of “I’ll pay you back” because that’s their upfront money not yours, and the return on previous “loans” remains to be seen. If I give you $50 for gas money, and four days later I the one filling the tank, and you still need to borrow forty more dollars, something’s off with your handling of money.
  • Anyone who borrows a total of $200 for gas money from three different people over a three-week period should probably be court-ordered into rehab.
  • Plus, “paying it back” doesn’t mean you get to be a jackass during the borrowing phase. Your gracious bank might decide you’re not worth the trouble and decline any further assistance.
  • Throwing five pieces of hand-washed underwear in the dryer at $1.25 a load makes no sense. It eats quarters, wastes energy, and defeats the purpose of hand washing your unmentionables you insensitive, earth-hating, perpetually dirty drawers having…
Share the load
  • If the dirty dish pile is bothering you, there’s a sponge in the dishpan and the dishwashing liquid is right next to it.
  • If the dust on top of the TV is bothering you, the duster is with the other cleaning supplies. There’s a broom there if the crumbs you dropped on the floor by the stove keep sticking to your feet, and a mop since you claim the floor looks dull.
  • Additional sponges, Comet cleanser, Scrubbing Bubbles, Ivory soap and some Dr. Bronner’s Castile are also available should you decide to re-clean anything else that isn’t up to your standards.
  • And if the garbage smells take it out. This would include that bag of food and trash you insist on keeping on the sofa because you’re too lazy to walk the whole 5 feet to the nearest trash can.
  • This does not mean to take three things and throw it in a fresh trash bag and take that out leaving the trash in the house. It was a pointless trip and waste of a garbage bag.
Have some integrity.

I am very much aware of the painful legacy of childhood abuse. I don’t speak to it directly very often but if you’ve been reading this blog you know it’s there. We all do our best to cope in different ways, and it’s important to remember that your coping skills shouldn’t involve the harm of others. You are a hypocrite if you want to call other people crazy for their actions, and not acknowledge your own wrong doing in having done the same thing.
  • Don’t use having been abused as a child as an excuse to be an ass as an adult.
  • Don’t abuse other people. You can’t pretend you don’t remember doing it, and then when you get confronted about it, say, “Someone else did it to me first.” Well, great then, you and “someone else” are both going to hell.
Be considerate.
  • If you want to leave your past behind you, please don't bring it with you. That means don't give my phone number and address to your crazy stalker ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and stop telling everyone that knows him/her where you are. Telling me, "Just don't open the door" if he shows up says a lot about how you feel about my safety. I don't like feeling unsafe. So if it comes down to me or you, it's not going to be me-
  • Don’t complain about the beauty, bathing, and other health products in the house and then use them to damn death. If stuff that usually lasts a month or two is barely last 10 days because of you, then obviously you’re using too much.
  • And please remember everything brought into the house has not been hand-delivered by courier for your personal consumption. If it’s there for sharing, I offer it. If I did not offer it, that doesn’t mean to wait until I go to sleep and then eat/drink/use it all overnight.
Be respectful.

Changes can be frustrating, especially unexpected, unwanted changes. People will understand your frustration, but that’s not the greenlight for you to nut up every 7 seconds and then end your screaming hissy fit with, “I’m sorry, I’m just really frustrated.”
  • You can only scream at someone so many times before they stop giving a fudgy pop tart about your frustration, and start throwing your meager belongings out on the lawn.
  • It is never a good idea to misdirect your anger in the direction of the people that are trying their best to help you. They will flatten you out, pack you up, and mail you right back wherever you came from with that nasty attitude.
Be honest
  • You don’t have to lie to people about your circumstances to get them to help you. Even if you keep making the same tired and stupid mistakes over and over again, there’s almost always someone there by your side to give you a hand. Lying just makes people not want to help you, and you might be surprised at how quickly a sturdy bridge can burn.
  • And that joke about telling a lie so much that you start to believe it, and “haha it’s so funny”… no. It isn’t. Please stop repeating it. I’m trying to believe certain lies you’ve told and it doesn’t help that you appear to have so much joy about being a pathological liar. Once again I reiterate that “like attracts like.” One of the reasons your relationships never work is because you keep attracting people like you. And you suck.
  • If I ask you why you had something, took something or touched something, please do not lie and say you didn’t. I know you did. I know how things are in my home and when they’re not as they should be. And I know because you use that horrible, gluey, foul smelling hair crap and you have the horrible habit of running your hands all up, in and through your disgusting hair and then you leave a horrible, gluey, foul smelling sticky residue all over everything you touch. So I’m going to ask you just one more time: did you open that second can of Pringles even though you knew I had one already open? And by second can, I mean the one covered in horrible, gluey, foul, smelling sticky crap.
Be enough.

That smell I’ve been complaining about. It’s not your medication, it’s the lack of bathing. And possibly more proof that you are possessed by a demon. And also, probably the smell of desperation.
  • If you want good people in your life, please know that the best people enjoy the company of other good people. If you are looking to, clinging to or trying to gain your goodness by draining it from others, you won’t find the good people staying in your life for very long.
  • If it seems that you are losing your friends and greatest allies, ask yourself why your flock of friends and acquaintances keeps dwindling down to vultures and dodos. If the answer starts with anything other than “Because I (did)/chose to” or “Because I (didn’t)/chose not to” then start again, you’re going in the wrong direction.
  • And don’t get defensive because I used the word “wrong,” in fact, stop being overly sensitive to the wording of things and pay attention to the message. Be more secure in yourself. No one wants to hang out with, date, perform necessary first aid on, or spend even the smallest amount of time around the annoying pluck who wants to argue you down about everything until you say they’re right about something that didn’t have a “right” or “wrong” response to begin with. Anyone who wants to spend time with you like this is a bad person to have in your life. If all you wanted was a fan club, you should have been a rock star. People won’t always agree with you. Get over it.
Accept responsibility.
  • You choose your choices. Even if someone puts a gun to your head, you can choose to take the bullet. If everything that’s wrong in your life is the result of someone or something else, and you really believe that you are a bystander in your own life, then you are going to be in misery for the rest of your days. Some things may have been harder for you, but in a lot of ways you’ve still had it easier than most people in the universal family.
  • Almost everything that’s gone wrong in your life, you brought on yourself and your refusal to admit that guarantees that you will keep repeating the same mistakes and falling back to square one. That great if that’s what you want, but most people don’t. And no one wants to keep getting dragged down to some dumb depth of dismal just because that’s where you’re comfortable. Don’t be surprised if there comes a time when your overused safety net gives way.

Ladies (and some fellas), I triple dog dare you to listen to this without dropping down to the floor and bouncing your butt. Can’t do it, can you? - Missy Elliott “4 My People”

Karyn White “Romantic”

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