Wednesday, September 7, 2011

...I Scream, You Scream...

I am officially on a diet so of course all I can think about is eating.

I bake in anguish because the baking relaxes me but someone has to eat the finished product, right? Times like this I wish I was married with children.

Anyway, the doctor told me I had to lose a few pounds and avoid any standing yoga poses for the next 30 days because of some heel pain in my left foot and some bruising and swelling at the ankle on my right foot.

I told him that it was yoga that had helped me lose all the weight I’ve lost so far. I’m not sure how much because I refuse to use the scale and haven’t weighed myself. But I’ve been able to fit into clothes that I couldn’t get into for at least a year. I wish you could have seen me the day I wore the little red sundress. Take my word for it, it was a good day.

Clearly this man, kind though he may have been, wasn't aware of how much weight a girl can gain in 30 days.

So I’ve been doing Sit and Be Fit videos and I found a book at the library called “Get Fit in Bed.” (I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed!) And I’m trying biking again since the only other no impact option available to me is swimming and I can’t swim. There’s also weight training, but that’s not as readily accessible to me as a bike.The problem is that the best path to the safe bike trail takes you right by the Dairy Queen.

Whose dumb idea was it to put an ice cream shop right there?

I haven’t had DQ in over a year. I think it must be true that yoga suppresses the appetite because I haven’t really wanted it. Two weeks off the wagon, and I’m dreaming about Heath Bar Blizzards.

I had been making up stories to keep me from wanting to go in there. Fantasies involving severed fingers in the strawberries or a dirty sponge in the cake. Then I remembered something that really happened to me some years back at another ice cream chain.

This place was at the corner where I took the stairs down to the subway every day when I lived in Chicago. I had to pass it on Sundays to go to the library, too. Basically it was staring me in my face every day but I never went in because you could always see these guys lined up in the window.

They sat there like people watchers but they all seemed too young for people watching, a hobby I tend to associate with anyone but teenagers. But it was hot this day and I had some extra change so why not. At this point in my life I was actually underweight, so the extra calories wouldn’t hurt me.

I walked in and every guy in the window turned on his spinning stool to watch me walk by. I stuck my hand down in my bag and made a fist with pointed knuckles to give the impression that I was ready to pull something if I had to.

Ice Cream Man: Hey, pretty lady
Me: Hi there. Can I get a double scoop of mint chocolate chip on a sugar cone in a cup?
Ice Cream Man: What?
Me: I mean, I want the cone but I want it in a cup. So like two scoops in a cup with the cone on top. Can you do that?

Scary silence

Ice Cream Man: So you came in here for ice cream?!
Me (noticing the snickering from the window line up): Uhh. Yeah.

He seemed seriously confused for a minute. Then he grabbed the scooper and plunked it into the mint chocolate chip ice cream. That’s when I noticed it.

It wasn’t the regular green color, but almost a vomit/pea/puke green. It was so sticky it was more like a chewy Werther’s you forgot in your pocket than ice cream. I scanned the other canisters and they all looked funny in color and not very fresh.

The ice cream streamed from the bucket to the cup like hot cheese on a pizza. It was disgusting. He did the best he could to get another scoop into the cup and stuck a cone on top so old that it rustled like paper when it made contact with the ice cream.

Ice Cream Man: Here you go. No charge for that.

Mmhmm, I mumbled and thanked him while I ran out the door and tossed the “ice cream” in the nearest trash can I could find. I don’t think I fully figured out what was up with the place until way later that night as I was trying to drift off to sleep. He was probably genuinely surprised that I was in there for food.

The next few times I walked past the shop, the guys in the window would all give me a sly wave and my stomach would turn at the memory of the whole incident.

Heck, it’s turning right now as I write this.

Which is kind of cool because I think I can make it past the Dairy Queen now.

I'm still working on natural mood lifters so I've been listening to even more music than usual. Like, a lot of music.

This song always puts me in a good mood. Usher - U Don't Have to Call

Impossible to not love the musicality of this. Beatles - A Day in the Life

If the Beatles and the Neptunes had a musical baby this would be that baby.
You know for years, I thought he said, "You let your ni--as down" hmm.
Beatles - I am the Walrus

One more and I'll stop...for now.
Some truly beautiful lyrics on this one. Ray LaMontagne- Be Here Now

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