Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sometimes I Just Wonder: "Clearing Head Space" edition

Nothing here is really worthy of a full post but these things are halfway on my mind and seem to be looking for attention.

I figure if I mention them and get them out the way, I can get some (other) writing done. I’d like to think it’s a nice way to start the new year with a fresh slate. So grab a snack, this might take a minute. I have a very large head.

Oh, and reader’s discretion is advised.

I am in love with Monkey Farts. That is to say that I am in love with this banana-scented candle available through the Meltdown Candle Company. The wick has an even burn and the aroma lingers hours after you extinguish the flame. I don't think I have to tell you that the Cinnamon Red Hot is another favorite, but they have a lot of giggly-titled scents to choose from ("Twigs and Berries" anyone?). Visit the website or if you're shivering in Michigan right now, find them at the Westland Mall by the Kohl's entrance.

Have you seen this?

Okay, so since one her legs looks like both of mine tied together, we’re about the same height, and I weigh more than she does, either Kandi is a 150 pound lie or I have a crazy large tumor that I’m not aware of.

Can you believe the same guy who told me I’d do good to lose 10 or 15 pounds had the nerve to act like she was hot? I rolled my eyes and encouraged him to try and find her and make a move. He might get lucky and get the Pop Rocks trick.

Kandi insists that having Pop Rocks candy in your mouth while performing oral sex increases the pleasure. This tidbit confuses me since I thought the whole point of that candy was to make your mouth hurt.

But if you like that idea, try this: wait until he pops his wad and then tighten your lips as much as you can around the head. Bite down, why don’t cha? Men love that!

DISCLAIMER: I am being sarcastic. DO NOT DO THAT. You will cause excruciating pain and I will not be held responsible when you probably get punched in the face. Like eating a bucket of Pop Rocks but way, way worse.

And on the topic of Pop Rocks, Family Guy fans will find this funny, if not slightly disturbing.

That marine was funny. Timbaland, not so much.

I’m trying to pretend he didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Or else everyone’s lying about Aaliyah’s age and she was an adult. He’s so casual with it, too, isn’t he? Wonder if he’ll feel equally casual in ten years when someone says the same thing about his teenage daughter?

This song still makes me feel prickly.
(Crash Test Dummies ~ Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm)

One more thing I will miss about never getting married: Assuming he’s loyal and by my side when it happens, I’ll never get to utter the words, “Avenge me” just before I take my last breath. Now, what it is he might be avenging me for, I’m not sure yet. But I was looking forward to saying it.

A reminder to always dream big and keep your dreams close to your heart.

God bless her family.

Finally, I confess Love & Hip Hop is a show I might come to enjoy.

The highlight of this show is Nancy Jones, Jim Jones’s mom and her Fizzy-chotic clothing line. Ms. Jones started this clothing line to complement her “rap career.” She made a song to respond to her son’s girlfriend, Chrissy, calling her a “psychotic b—“ during an argument. Seeing an opportunity where most would only see family discord, Nancy orders 10,000 t-shirts with the words “Physchotic B!@*h” on the front.

When Chrissy is kind enough to point out the spelling error, resilient Nancy decides to make it a new word pronounced “fizzychotic” and defines it as the state you are in just before you go psychotic. I’m thinking it’s more like being so psychotic you can’t spell straight as in, “Grrr, I’m so agnry!”

The person that needs to go but won’t is probably Kimbella. Her chicken-like posturing is annoying. She puts her hand on her hips, draws her elbows back, and darts her head forward to needlessly punctuate every other word. Kimbella will likely get to stick around because all the drama (read that: fight scenes) seems to center around her.

So the next in line should be Yandy. Not sure why Yandy’s teeth and lips need to touch between every syllable spoken but the sound of it feels like someone’s trying to peel my skin.

This show is probably too full of middle-ground people to last long. There's the singer Olivia who makes it clear on this show why most she might be one of the most famous unknown people ever, and sweet, even-tempered Emily (Fabolous’s ex) who’s shape and personality bring to mind a sack of potatoes. But she’s sweet though, very nice girl, so far.

That stripper puts out Kimberlla’s hair like someone’s hair catches fire at all of her performances.

Three cheers for the wonderful people over at just because…
(Perfectly lovely as a solo artist) Rhea – Motorcycle

Absolutely no reason.
Primitive Radio Gods – Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand

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