“Lower your expectations, you'll be happier” she told me, but I was really, really young at the time and I don’t think I completely understood what she meant.
She passed away years ago, but I had a dream about her where we had a very casual conversation in the basement of her church while her funeral was going on upstairs.
You read that right.
We both seemed aware of where we were but we didn’t seem to think it was odd.
The dream was so strange I didn’t bother trying to interpret it when I woke up the next day and didn’t even think about it again until a recent conversation with my mom about dreaming.
My mom says she rarely has any dreams, but whenever she does it’s always about losing the car in a mall parking lot which is hilarious considering the amount of time my mom spends at the mall.
I asked her which car and she said she never knows. Sometimes the lot is empty and sometimes it’s full but she only knows the minute she gets outside the mall that she’s confused and in the wrong place.
I asked her if she ever dreams about us (her daughters) and she said she once had a bad dream about me crying. She said I was lost somewhere in the house and she could hear me crying and was calling my name but I wouldn’t answer and she couldn’t find me for anything. But other than that, no, she didn’t dream much at all and when she did, the dreams were almost never about people.
I asked her if she dreamed of electric sheep and when I tell you I could feel the dirty look through the phone…still, I thought it was kind of cool that she caught the reference even though she’s not much of a sci-fi person.
She asked me if I went out for New Year’s Eve, and I said, “No, mom, Pharrell had to work.”
She just laughed. She tells me all the time that if I ever meet him, just to say “hi and bye” because we’d be a poor match: two skinny people can’t mate. And then she tells me the story again of how my dad’s larger build saved her life once when they were dating.
When I say “again” it sounds like I’m bored of hearing it but the thing is I love that story and can never get enough of it.
For the purpose of getting the full effect, you may visualize my parents as Erykah Badu (circa 1991-93) and Ving Rhames (with hair). The general appearance and size difference are pretty similar.
They were on one their first dates, horseback riding, when a very large and random windstorm swept through.
The horses went wild. Large equipment moved and smaller equipment flew. My mother “itty, bitty thing” that she was would have sailed away in the wind were in not for my father. She tried grabbing some pole that reached down into the ground but the wind was so high her feet were actually up in the air.
My dad held on to her and then jumped with her into a very deep hole. They were safe.
They were also covered in horse manure, since that was what was in the hole, but the point of that story was my mother would not have survived if my dad had not been large enough to hold them both down through the torrential winds and get them to safety.
“Two skinny people would have skinny children. And then they would all blow away. You’re lucky you can gain weight.”
She calls this “lucky,” because she’s never been able to gain much. Of course, she’s built like an Alvin Ailey dancer so I’m never quite sure what she’s complaining about whenever she says that.
“So, since I can gain weight, then we could still balance each other out, Mom.”
“No, no you couldn’t.”
“I said, no.”
It’s all funny, really, when you think about the thoughts we put into choosing a mate. I don’t like guys that are too fast at a salad bar, flipping lettuce and toppings without much thought. I fear they’re indiscriminate and move too quickly. And probably also a little rude.
I also hate guys at the gas station that lock the pump in and then go back into the car. I think they’re lazy and inattentive.
I ask mom is there really a secret to picking a good mate, and she says, “People ask if there’s a secret to something as if there’s only one right way to do everything.”
So today there is no ritualized post about the new year and new things and being all excited about new adventures. I have plans and thoughts but they aren’t rigid and I really didn’t feel like doing too much thinking about what might be next. I get so tired of doing that sometimes and I’m never sure how to stop myself once I get started. I just frustrate myself, but I really didn’t want to go there, so …
I have lowered my expectations, you see.
There’s nothing special going on. Today is Wednesday.
I just posted this song on the other blog but I love it so much right now, it's still on my mind. It's nice to hear something simple and pleasant.
The Slackadeliqs f/ Justin Nozuka (Loved his first album) - "Love Controls the Sun"
Newcleus - Jam On's Revenge (wikki-wikki, wikki-wikki)
The ending's kind of flesh-crawly weird but I think that might be what I like about it...
Quadron - Far Cry