Wednesday, June 20, 2012

...It's Better to be Late than Dead...

Summer tiiiiime, and the living is easy…..

It’s time for family reunions, summer camp, and an extra sprinkle of baby powder in your bra.

And vacations!

All summer long we can expect to see the long train of cars travelling across highways for college road trips, graduation parties, amusement parks and other fun destinations.

I thought I’d share a few tips to make sure that no matter where you go, you arrive alive because maybe the only thing worse than being injured or jailed as a direct result of your carelessness and/or stupidity is that last moment before your last breath when you have just enough time to think about it and  regret it all.

I don’t imagine the tail-gating event that you’d like to participate in is a funeral procession, so please be smart and drive like someone out there loves you.

Let’s start with the obvious:

 - - No driving under the influence (Alcohol, legal or illegal drugs, annoying passengers, etc.)

 --No driving distracted (making/taking calls, texting, eating, drinking, smoking, reading, applying beauty aids, sleeping or engaging in sexual activity, etc)

 - - Avoid accidents: “go” before you leave. (and by accidents I mean crashing your car or tinkling yourself)

--Pack your patience. Everyone wants to get to where they’re going safely. That guy isn’t driving slow to annoy you and if he is, so what. It’s not that serious.

-- Horn honking is the international call of the idiot. Don’t be an idiot.

-- Share the road. Watch for motorcycles,  bicycles, and the dude on the semi-motorized scooter looking thing that barely goes 15 mph. (and two-wheel folks, wear your helmet)

-- Pull to the side for emergency vehicles.

-- Wear your safety belt. Get an extender if you need one. And ladies stop tucking it under your arm to avoid wrinkles on your blouse or because you think your boobs are too big.

None of it will matter when you fly through the windshield. Plus,  I’m pretty sure it’s against the law in most states to wear it that way.

-- Speaking of boobs, don’t forget to use those headlights.

Finally, I’d like to share a simple tailgating tip that  I’m observing is apparently not common knowledge.

Here is the proper way to change lanes:

  1) Lead car signals. All other cars also then signal.

  2) The LAST car changes lanes whenever it’s safe to do so.

  3) Last car allows the car in front to get over and each car in front follows suit in order.

The first car does not signal then jump over with the other five cars like a kite string  cutting everyone off just to keep up. Please don’t do this. Please DO NOT DO THIS.

And keep about a car length between you, so you aren’t in your own chain reaction car wreck. (Although on the bright side, since you’re all friends, you’re not likely to get sued.)

So now, at the risk of sounding like a complete nut job I have to share this vision that came to me recently. I’m sorry if I’m right about this but it’s been known to happen.

You aggressively drive a bright orange car that oddly resembles a hearse down a congested main strip every week day. I see the letters D and E and the numbers 9 and 7. You will die in a fiery car crash if you do not reconsider your actions.

Don’t get mad, just be careful.

Won't even start to crrryyyyy.... Man, I love this song.
Gloria Estefan – Words Get in the Way

Nona Hendryx – Transformation

Obligatory summer song coin toss winner:
Mungo Jerry  - In the Summertime

One second... My nomination for Father of the Year. Bless this family with recovery and wellness. I know this will be hard for them, but someone needs to say it: Mister, whatever it feels like please know that you did a good thing. You saved your daughter and probably a lot of other little girls, too.

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