Wednesday, August 8, 2012

...Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry...


When I first saw the movie, Love Story and heard this famous quote, I don’t think I understood it correctly.


I took it to be a quote about forgiveness, as in “no apology necessary, I love you so much that I understand.”

As a result I hated that quote. Didn’t like the movie much either.

I kept having the same argument with someone over and over again. Sometimes they’d say, “I told you I was sorry” and sometimes they wouldn’t but every time I would think, “Stop apologizing. Why can’t you just do better and not have to have a reason to apologize?”

After a while the apologies start to feel like a set up to get me to let my guard down.

Not long after that, they just become pointless altogether: foul up, apologize, repeat.

Your apology just becomes another lie that you don’t even tell very well.

Someone once told me that forgiveness is not a thing or an event, it’s a spirit you hold on to, embody and live in; sometimes true forgiveness is a little act we have to do every day.

But it seems to me that each new offense stops and restarts the forgiving process. It can make it difficult to ever really heal whatever pain you might be feeling. And why work so hard to put something real into forgiveness when the apology was a fake?

They say to err is human and to forgive is divine.

I say to keep repeating the same err is either stupid, manipulative or both.

To forgive would is foolish, infuriating, and exhausting.

I can think of a time when I confronted someone about something. They gave the most wack, half-ass apology ever. Something that amounted to, “sorry if you took it that way, but I didn’t do anything wrong.” I still shake my head about it.

But their behavior was so radically different after that. I came to view them as someone who had some bad moments and did some not so great things. Nobody’s perfect, right?

In another situation, someone that needed to be confronted approached me first with an apology. I accepted. Frankly, I had written it off a long time ago.

The problem was this person would sometimes bring it up like it was a funny story. Which of course made me question the sincerity of and the motive behind the apology.

At other times, they would mention as a horrible thing and dismiss it as a sad side effect of their upbringing.

They’re upbringing wasn’t all that different from mine but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors, so again, I tried to write it off because it made me feel better to do so.

Then there were all the conversations about the things they hate, that hurt them, that make them feel so awful and it was all I could do to not remind them that they do those things to other people regularly, including me.

If you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end, then there’s definitely no excuse to find reasons to put yourself on the giving end.

That to me says you might really be plain evil.

And forgiveness, an act of love and kindness might really be wasted on you.

There are those that will insist that forgiveness is golden and you only hurt yourself by not forgiving.

Maybe.

Or maybe you begin to feel that you're being held prisoner by the commitment it takes to forgive; especially when it seems like the person you need to forgive is unrepentant, unaware (or pretending to be) and unchanging.

There comes a time when you realize it’s healthier to just say, “I’m taking this road,” and then turn and take it.

That doesn’t necessarily have to mean you’re taking “the high road” and turning the other cheek, forgiving everything and letting bygones be bygones.

Nor does it necessarily mean that you are still angry, or plotting revenge, or hate the person.

I think it really means that you’re just moving in a different direction to different, better things. I imagine you will probably feel really good about being in a new, better place.

I think they call it loving detachment or something.

To love someone doesn’t mean your lives must remain intertwined.

To forgive someone is a lot of work that you could be putting into doing something nice for yourself and still gain the same emotional freedom you need and deserve.

Never having to say you’re sorry means you think about what you do before you do it and then you DON’T do it because you know it will hurt someone you care about.

Once I figured that out, I realized that that line is awesome.

The movie wasn’t that great, but the line is awesome.

Rowlf &; Zoot play the theme from Love Story

Remember when female rappers could actually rap? I miss those days.
Mariah Carey f/ Da Brat and Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott – Heartbreaker (remix)

Jamiroquai – Drifting Along

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