Wednesday, June 19, 2013

... Thoughts are Powerful Things...

I would like to offer to you the only relationship advice you will ever need to ensure finding the person of your dreams and living a long happy life together:


Here it is, so simple even if you have the IQ equivalent of a toenail, you will get this:

Think. Wait. Think Again. Proceed.

Even more simplified.

Stop. Think.

And for absolute weenies:

Think.

You don’t have to think like a man or a woman, or a kumquat or bottle of hot sauce, just THINK.

If Dora the Explorer figured it out what in tarnation is wrong with the rest of you.
I know, I know, you thought it was going to be some crazy awesome over the top book-length diatribe, but alas, it’s just that simple.

I remember reading Steve Harvey’s “Think Like a Man” book and the whole time I just kept thinking “is any woman on the planet really this freaking dumb? This is common sense. No one is this stupid.”

Except for me apparently because the book was a best seller. Had I know there were that many moronic women around I might have written the book myself years ago with the less catchier title of “Catching a Dude for Dummies”

I’m a woman. I guess…Technically. Growing up, I spent a lot of time around my dad and most of my friends were male so my sister thinks I have all this access to the male mind that most girls don’t have.

She swears that she’s entered a room full of talking guys and they stopped talking and waited for her to leave to start up again. She claims it happens every time. And I’ve heard a few other chicks same the same thing.

All that could be true, but none of that takes the place of pausing, considering, then doing.

That’s it.

That is it.

That’s all there is.

STOP. THINK.

I asked my sister, suppose you meet a guy and he loves Blue Vines (licorice) and he offers them to you and warns you to never eat one without his permission. He tells you he’s obsessed and he’ll lose it if he finds one missing.

You eat one anyway. And sure enough he tries to stab you, shoots at you, sets the house on fire and chases you naked out into the street while brandishing a hatchet. You escape and pick up in a new town free of Blue Vines guy.

Until you meet Blue Vines the sequel. He’s mostly different from the last guy but still he says to you, “here try these blue vines. I love them. I’m obsessed with them. I would lose it if I ever found one missing. Don’t ever eat these without my permission.” Would you still date him?

Now you might want to sit down for this. She said, “yes.”

Crazy Cassie: It’s not fair to the new guy to hold the actions of the last guy against him. I wouldn’t want a guy judging me to be crazy because his last girlfriend was possessive with her Reese’s Cups.

Astonished Angel: ….the hell…???

I mean really, if a guy judged her to be crazy it seems to me that he’d be right. I had hoped that she wouldn’t say yes, but I think I almost expected it.

This is coming from a woman who must hold the world record for number of restraining orders she’s had to get. The same woman who’s lost enough personal possessions to fill three very large homes due to the number of times she’s had to pick up and flee the state to get away from a psycho.

Are you insane? Do you have a history of violence against women and children? Do you have substance abuse problems that you are proud of? Are you a lazy bum who wants a woman with poor financial habits to overspend on you? Can you compliment a woman endlessly and pretend like she’s the prettiest and best thing that ever happened, and lie about wanting marriage and kids all the while you mistreat her? Well give my sister a call. Phone lines are open. Call now! She’s waiting to hear from you.

You know, if she hasn’t already.

In all seriousness, the word for today (and everyday) for love and for life is “think.”  It’s good for you.
And in other somewhat related news, Man of Steel came out this past weekend and earned something like $125 million on the opening weekend, which is less than I thought it would get, but not bad by any means.

Anytime one of these superhero movies comes out someone always starts the conversation about what super power would you have and why.

Since thoughts are powerful things, my original answer was to kill people using only the power of my mind, but I can’t help thinking it would be more fun to make them disappear into nothingness. They’d be alive somewhere in the middle of nowhere floating endlessly.

And now, the following parties should begin making end of life preparations.

- - The people who put together film trailers that just show a bunch of shots of the lead actor making different pained facial expressions and then voice over some “critic reviews” as if anyone actually listens to film critics anymore. You might as well put the title up on an otherwise blank screen and announce: this movie will suck, but come see it anyway because this star is in it.


 - -Anyone who says, “It wasn’t my fault.” That tells me right there you were in on it. The more you deny it, the more I know you have a guilty conscience about something. It doesn’t matter if you acted alone or under the influence of something, you made a choice, then you made a move. Own it.

  - -The person who did the music for Rodney Yee’s Yoga Burn dvd. Here, I’ll sing it for you. Brrrrroooonnnnnggggggwwwwhhhhhhnnnnddddddddmmmmmm. And it just goes on like that nonstop for the whole hour. Love the workout, but that music makes me want to hurt myself.

 - -The person responsible for the delay in finding safer transportation methods. It's bad enough that we don't have flying cars yet, but what's taking so long for us to be able to think ourselves to any destination? I swear some of you drivers out there must really want to know how bad my reflexes are.

 --Anyone responsible for Michelle Chamuel coming in second and the Swon Brothers coming in third on The Voice. That was so out of order. Did my ten votes count for nothing?

The guys came back to let you know what you were missing… well three of them anyway.




 

The girls came back to let you know you didn’t miss anything at all. Disappointing ladies.




The almighty En Vogue original



 

Thumbs up to Bruno Mars, Respect to Cher, and side-eye to Pitbull and Christina Aguilera for the much-hyped with little delivery performance.
And while we knew it was only for one season, it’s still sad to see Shakira and Usher leave.

I always thought Cee Lo added interesting character to the show with the wigs and pets and stuff, but Usher’s coaching was better than most. Even Blake would agree



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