Friday, December 31, 2010

... Happy New Year!!...

No disrespect to my hometown but this display runs circles around our New Year’s show.

I decided it was time for a makeover on this blog, and even though I will miss my homemade galaxy background, I was feeling the need to do something different. Something stronger and more vibrant and for some reason I couldn’t get the color blue out of my head so we’ll try it. Don’t be surprised if you come back later and it’s different again while I decide. (I’m also slightly feeling red or pink, or maybe it’s a peachy color) If you happen to drop by and see one you really like, let me know in the comments section- Feedback is always helpful.
In the meantime, cheers to a new year filled with new learning experiences, all valuable, and some even beautiful.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

...You Can't Turn a Bear into a Housecat...

Title clarification/disclaimer: I know what it sounds like to some of you, but it really is about bears and housecats.

When I was a little girl, I had a bear. I know, just go with it.

This bear was beautiful, with lovely brown fur and a perfect nose. She was creative, talented, and lots of fun. Everyone liked her and thought she was the most awesome thing ever. And she was smarter than the average bear; I learned a lot from her.

I recognize that everything wasn’t perfect all the time with the bear. That’s to be expected, it is a bear after all. So no matter how amazing and spectacular she may have been, it might have been wise of me to hold some reservations about her. I didn’t, but I should have.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

...It's Not Fair, but it's Fitting...

I wanted to take a minute and post something to acknowledge the passing of another talented favorite of mine, Ms. Teena Marie.

I'm crushed.

Seems only fitting to lose someone who had such an important role in my better childhood memories during a time when so many things seem to be falling away from me.

You would be hard pressed to find someone that can't identify a Teena Marie song within the first bar. Her music is classic. She is classic. And she will be missed.

People always mention "Fire and Desire" and forget "Happy," but I might have loved this one more

There are far too many amazing Lady T songs to list here, if she is new to you, I promise you won't regret looking into her further.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

...I'm Decking the Halls...

Great gift idea...

My mom tells me there was a time when you went downtown to Hudsons for pictures with Santa and you could choose a black Claus. Interesting. For a few reasons.

And for the traditionalist like myself, our old friend Charlie Brown (for as long as its available)

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

...Asking Why Can be Bad for Your Health...

Even though I enjoy the peace and quiet, there is definitely a downside to choosing to keep to yourself.

What starts as way of protecting yourself and /or assuming responsibility for your own actions can sometimes becomes a liability.

For example, if you fall into a spinning vat of your thoughts, and the thoughts are unhappy or unhealthy, there’s no one to hit the off switch.

No one to keep you from falling down when you try to crawl out still dizzy from the spin.

No one to look back and laugh at it about with.

Just you.

The whole thing started with the worst possible string of words you could ever allow to leave your lips: Why did this happen?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

...I Hope Your Legs Aren't Smooth...

One of my co-workers illustrated by Gary Larson
I have this really nice, faint line going down one of my upper thighs. It used to be a welt and over the years it’s gone down and faded so much, you barely notice it but I can still see it.

I got it from my dad when I was four years old. My mom and sister were gone and my dad was upstairs asleep. For some reason, I was under the impression that I had to get ready for something, so I changed my clothes, washed my face and since I was wearing shorts, attempted to put baby oil on my legs.

I don’t remember if I spilled it, dropped it, or was just otherwise careless but more than half that bottle was gone when I was done. I remember adding water to the bottle, and then some poorly orchestrated effort to use toilet tissue to clean up the oil spill. (Ha, ha. What kind of idiot doesn’t know how to clean up an oil spill? Ha ha ha. Oh, wait…)

Next thing I know Dad’s standing in the bathroom doorway with Mr. Charlie. Mr. Charlie was what we called this handcrafted leather belt that was used exclusively for whoopins. Yeah I said “whoopins” because these were most definitely not spankings.

The floor is covered in oil, my legs look like I’m greasy enough to fry some chicken, and there’s a bottle of baby oil on the back of the toilet with a very defined line in it where the water is floating on top.

“What are you doing?” he said very calmly, and I just started to cry. On that day, not only did I learn water and oil don’t mix, but I learned that you definitely don’t want to be covered in oil when you’re getting your legs torn up by leather strap.

My legs are hurting just remembering that one.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

...At Some Point, You Have to Draw a Line...

My high school had metal detectors.

Every day, I along with about 3700 other kids were late to class trying to move through them hopefully without being randomly selected for a full search including your backpack, clothing items, a wave of the wand, and a pat down that should have led to (at least) misdemeanor charges on at least two of the security guards.

Then you had the 100 or so kids that just stayed truant rather than be bothered with the search, the 100 or so kids that came in through side doors without weapons but again, avoiding the search, the 50 or so weapons found in the bushes, and the 50 or so kids that came in late after the guards left the door and just basically strolled in the front door with a gun or something in their possession. And there was always the sprinkling of kids that came in, went through the detector, got fully searched and sent on their way, and had something illegal on them the whole time.

I’m reminded of this because of all these TSA measures to keep us safe from “terrorists.”

But how safe am I supposed to feel when your protective measures do more harm to me and my rights than anything?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

...Surely, He Will Be Missed...

I was really sad to hear of the recent passing of Leslie Nielsen.

My dad and I saw every Naked Gun movie together, and I still have fond memories of sitting on the living room floor as a little kid watching Airplane with my family on the big TV.

I wish his family comfort, and Mr. Nielsen a peaceful journey.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

...God is Not a Cloud...

I waver a lot on my belief in God.

Not just because I believe in ghosts, aliens, astronomy, numerology, crystals, voodoo, and some degree of reincarnation, but just because some of the most fundamental requirements of believing don’t make sense.

  • I’m not sure how I have the freewill to make my own choices, but God has ordered my steps and planned my whole life.
  • I’m not sure how evil exists on the level that it does but God rules over everything and everyone including the devil.
  • I’m not sure how I can let go and let God, but God only helps those that help themselves.
  • I don’t know how I can possibly be forgiven for everything, but any small bad deed I do can distract God from hearing my prayers. (and if he’s God, how could he possibly be distracted?)
But on some level, I think, or at least want to believe, that something or someone is out there.

One day some years ago, I did something really bad. Really bad. And it’s been with me ever since. It wasn’t the first or last or even worst truly horrible thing I ever did, but it’s high in my top 10 list of reasons why if there’s a heaven, I won’t likely be going.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

...*I* Could be Scared of Jeffrey...

Diddy's acting skills are improving. He's actually changing his facial expression every now and again. That look on his face when he runs up to the furry wall is priceless.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

...I Am Thankful...

Because these are still the best holiday specials around!

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Have a safe and happy holiday!

I am thankful for...
36. birthday well wishes (thank you all so much- it's nice to feel special)
37. birthdays in general (it's like getting "new year's day" twice!)
38. autumn leaves
39. new furniture
40. senses
41. sensibilities
42. cinnamon flavored candy canes
43. fruit flavored candy canes
44. my savings account
45. hooded coats
46. free express delivery (Come on, "Decoded" I'm waiting--)
47. extra long hair pins
48. over-the-knee socks
49. "old-fashioned" pencils
50. pencil sharpeners
51. the lightbulb
52. fish

Sunday, November 21, 2010

...These Get Bonus Points for Creativity...

I first saw this video a couple months ago.  (3Oh!3 "Double Vision)
It's not the first video I've seen using an overhead shot with players on the floor looking up, but it's definitely one of the best executed. I love details, and the small details in this- from the sidebar and header ads (Mile High Airlines??) to the "rainbow pizza" --are amazing. It's nice to see something different.

The creative use of angles kind of made me think of another outstanding video. (Audiobullys "Only Man")

audiobullys - only man from EL NINO on Vimeo.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

...November is NOT Nitwit Month...

Little odd things have popped up more within the last few weeks that made me think there had been some kind of national declaration to act a fool this month. Let me assure that is not true. November is not Nitwit Month, nor is December, or January, and if you really like to plan ahead, February through October are out of the question as well.

George Bush

You cheated your way into office- twice, sucked an entire country’s economy into the gutter, and started a second Vietnam but “one of the most disgusting” moment of your presidency was when Kanye West said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”? Really? That was on your list?


What he must have been thinking: “Ha, ha. From all the way up here they look just like little black ants drowning. Hee hee hee.”

Sunday, November 14, 2010

...Oh Yeah...It was Worth the Wait...

The best thing about N*E*R*D is that every single song on every single album is different, and every song is your favorite for as long as it plays.

Happily, "Nothing" might reflect this best of all.

It works well because one of the things I’ve always liked about Pharrell’s voice is that it’s the perfect blend and fluctuation of 60s soul, 70s funk, 80s punk, 90s smooth and 21st century pop. It sounds like everything and still completely unique and like nothing you’ve ever heard.

Musically, the Neptunes didn’t fail to recreate the magic we all love and expect. I hear it and I'm still lovely, someplace wonderful, feeling amazing. Even the hard stuff makes you feel something good. Who needs drugs or alcohol when you can get high and buzzed off the Neptunes?

So this isn’t really a review as much as it’s a ticker tape of initial reactions. It's impossible to "review" NERD, you just feel one variation of good or another about it.

And when you see the Chad Head, please know there is Chaz-ama-phone* involved and you are likely to love it automatically as a result. Oh, and I don’t know who Jason Carder is yet, but he rocks, too.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

...I Know What Boys Like...

A guy friend read my marriage post and had the nerve to ask me “Well what do you bring to the table?” I mean, really, the audacity.

The answer is, uh, well, nothing.  Or at least nothing that a guy actually wants.

Oh sure, they say they want a smart girl, or someone with class and independence, but as soon as a ditzy skank that lives at home with her mom and survives off of child support payments walks by, you guys will run over that smart chick to jump in line with all the other knuckleheads for your trip on the hoe train. Yeah, I said it.

I have actually been knocked to the floor by a guy running to grab the attention of some girl in a restaurant. A fat with no booty and a sideways hairweave-wearing chick. It wasn’t even human hair. It was like, Family Dollar bag o’hair. And she just giggled at me being picked up off the floor by the manager while she rattled off her phone number to plow-boy.

I can only take comfort in assuming that one of them has given the other one an STD by now, so score one for the funny looking nerdy girl.

So what do you boys really like?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

...Pharrell, Chad, and Shae, I want to Squeeze Your...

Photos: James Sutton
…Upper bodies in the best hugs ever. (What did you think I was going to say?)

Not just because you’re all so physically cute and who wouldn’t want to climb all over you- which reminds me of a dream I once had about the four of us in a kiddie pool filled with jell-o… wait, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, I’d like to hug you as a sincere sign of my appreciation for the years of phenomenal music you’ve given to music lovers everywhere. Extra squeezes for Neptunes productions.

So if you ever read this - and you probably won’t but it’s my blog and I’ll fantasize if I want to- use your imagination and feel the love and the warmth I’m sending you. We’ll call them spirit hugs.

I'd like to think that’s a good name for them, since music is a spirit. It can move you do think and feel things. It can move you to decision and action. It can move you to just sit still and be calm, and sometimes we really need that.

I posted this picture on my other blog because astonishingly, it was almost the literal depiction of what I feel when I hear the Neptunes: I’m somewhere pretty, looking at something beautiful, feeling something wonderful.

I can’t think of any other artists that have managed to do this for me consistently over the years. When I think of how many areas of my life are better than they could be thanks to wonderful music, why shouldn’t I be grateful?

We have family, we have friends, loved ones and lovers, but not all of those people really get into your soul. They don’t all lift you, or warm you from the inside, or give you chills in all the right places. And if they do, I’m willing to bet they don’t do it all the time.

But music has always done that for me. It touches me all over and stimulates every part of me. On my worst days when I felt like I had nothing, I still had music. And when I thought I was being called and did some serious consideration in joining a convent, do you know what stopped me? I would have had to give up music. I was willing to give up everything else, but there was no way I was giving up music.

It’s not just N*E*R*D/Neptunes, but I mention them specifically here because of a recent conversation I had with someone. An idiot. Since I listen to pretty much every genre, and the guys have musically gifted us in just about every genre, I have a special kind of love for them.

If there is something that you especially love, and someone is kind enough to give it to you often and just as you like, then you should say “thank you.” It’s not (as it was so aptly put to me) d---ridin. It’s called appreciation, respect, good manners. That idiot doesn’t know how lucky he is that I have such good manners.

Anyway, Pharrell, Chad, and Shae, bless you, and thank you.

And thanks to IdantotheK for compiling these

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

...I'll Hold My Breath and Wade Through It...

It went from weeks going by, to days, and now it seems like only hours or minutes go by before I slide just a little bit further.

In semi-significant news, I voted.

And as I write this it’s looking like none of my players won. I should have known something was up based on all the people that showed up at my job in blackface for Halloween.We spent eight years being dragged down into the sewer, and now people expected us to climb out in two years.

Never mind that we went from having a perfectly fine economy and budget surplus in 2001 to falling into the gutter and having a budget deficit in the trillions by 2009. Someone's got to hang today, it might as well be that guy.  And if they think they can do a better job and in a shorter time, then I will expect my next paycheck to reflect that.

I signed up for the vote tracker through a couple years back and if you knew what your representatives voted, you would definitely have had your butt at the polls. I also use a lot of sources to do my research before I vote including Some of those candidates were just scary. But they won. How? I voted a little after 1 in the afternoon and I was only number 103. Six hours into election day, and only 103 voters in my precinct. I would ask you how that could possibly be, but if you were too lazy to vote, I doubt you have enough energy to answer my question.

In less-significant news, but still darn important to me, when the numbers come out next week and they say Taylor Swift has the number one record, they will be lying. Or else basing their results on shipped CDs rather than actual sales. I hit seven different stores today looking for the new N*E*R*D, and found nearly nothing. (No, not punny.)

Monday, November 1, 2010

...You Must Remember This...

Just two things- -

First, Vote. --  Tomorrow, November 2, is an election day.

If you go to almost any forum, newspaper website, or just read online articles in general, you’ve probably noticed that some of the most sharp shooting (right or left) shooters are always the people making the most noise. They comment repeatedly, answer all the other commenters, and have an aura of excitement about being full of rage.

I promise you those people will be at the polls tomorrow, but will you?

I know sometimes it feels like your vote doesn’t count. We’ve watched a couple of people cheat their way into office over the years. And the point of the electoral college? Still not sure. But sometimes voting is less about making sure you get what you want, and more about making sure you don’t get what you don’t want. Just ask those Tea Party people. Or anyone that votes religiously for Dancing with the “Stars.”

Second, tomorrow, at last, is the day I’ve been waiting for all spring and summer:

N*E*R*D’s “Nothing” CD will finally be in stores.

Now did one of my music leak friends send me a zipped version of the whole CD at the end of last week? Yep.

Did I download it?

Darn right I did.

I thought of waiting so I could be “surprised” but I figured I could be surprised tomorrow or I could be surprised right away. And since the one of the earlier tentative titles of this CD was “Instant Gratification” I told myself that the boys in the band would have wanted it this way.

I’m still buying tomorrow, and I hope you pick up a copy, too.

I still have the belief that if I keep buying the stuff I enjoy, then record companies will eventually figure it out and give me more of it. Everyone swears they can’t stand Soulja Boy, Lil Wayne or Justin Bieber, but guess what? According to their record sales, a lot of those people are liars.

I have the day off and a late morning doctor’s appointment so I’ll have plenty of time in the morning to go vote, and pick up “Nothing” and Bilal’s “Airtight’s Revenge”

I don’t want to give you a full review (yet) but please, please, when you buy- and this is important- please buy the Deluxe Edition. Those bonus tracks are astounding, and you don't want to miss out.

If you tell me that you didn’t like “Sacred Temple” the minute it got started, then I don’t know if we can be friends anymore. I mean, really, it’s that good.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

..."I Got a Rock"...

Aside for caramel and candy apples, the best reminder of the best time of the year (and not just because of my birthday), is the showing of one of the best cartoons ever,  "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"
(Enjoy it before it gets pulled!)

Have a Safe and Happy Halloween!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

...Sometimes I Just Wonder ~ "N-Word" edition...

I find it interesting how whenever someone uses a slur, their immediate defense is "well, [they] use it all the time, so why can't I?"
Well first, because they don't have enough sense to know better. And when you use it, you become them. So in essence, it you're really just insulting yourself. Man, are you dumb. Plus for every one person that says it, there are at least three that don't, so your "when in Rome" excuse is null and void. Stop it.

The other reason is familiarity. Even though I have gay friends that call each other "queer" or "queen" or whatever, I know better than to open my mouth and refer to someone like that. Even my closest gay friends that know me, and know my intentions wouldn't hear certain language coming from me. It's called respect.
It's like going to your friend's house and insulting her mom's cooking. Even if it sucks, and everyone knows it, and the kids are all making vomit faces, it's not your mom, so just smile and eat. There's always Kaopectate.

Having said that, here are the three official winners as voted on by me for "They said the "N-word" and it was funny." If you are not one of these three people in the specific situation as shown, just smile and laugh.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

...I Knew it Was Love...

I happen to find this online and I'm so glad someone posted it because it gives me a chance to point out something really magnificent. It's very subtle, but it's really cute.

Right  about the 2:18 mark we see Beyonce realize a bit too late that if she's going to do that back bendy thingy, she has to have her hand in Jay's waistband, not his pocket. She can't go all the way back now.

So what does he do?  He puts his hand under her to give her something to lean back over. How cool is that?

You know some other guy might have laughed at her unfortunate discovery. Or how many guys might have been so absorbed in their own thing that they wouldn't have even noticed? More than a few, I'm sure.

You just don't run into a lot of guys that are that considerate these days, and I just thought that was a very sweet thing. Small, but still very sweet. What's not to love?

Friday, October 22, 2010

...A Lot Can Happen in 24 Hours...

That's right, a bonus post. Lucky you, right? (Just smile and nod, please.)
After limited access to all things media, I came across some very interesting things in the last 24 hours worthy of posting off schedule.

First, surely you've heard by now about the water on the moon:

I have to say I have mixed emotions about this. My initial reaction is: “Cool!  Wonder what else is up there?”  But then I think of that old Gil-Scott Heron spoken word that starts with the line, “A rat done bit my sister Nell…” You know the one.

Already there’s debate about who “owns the moon?” Does it matter? If they end up putting any kind of livable structures up there, it’s not likely any of us will be able to afford it anyway.   Still a cool finding though.
Two more awesome things...
In my Never Been Kissed post, I said that I had a hard time finding a smiling picture of Pharrell Williams. I stand corrected.
Look at that smile!! Isn't he just the cutest cutie cute you've ever seen?
Plugs Three and One looking mighty sharp there, too. I salute you, gentlemen.... "Spray can sexy (Psst, psst)"

Finally, have you ever wondered what it might sound like if someone wrote a song about a drug dealer’s daughter who grew up to be stripper that smokes crack, and breaks her back falling off  the stripper pole resulting in a pain pill addiction? Wonder no more!!! 

Bilal is so underrated.  The whole CD is hot, too, in case you're interested- definitely worth the purchase.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

...Maybe We Should Just Be Nicer...

What goes 100 mph on only two legs and goes “hodeedo-hodeedo-hodeedo”?
A black man running for the elevator (get it? “hodeedo,” “ho’ de’ do’,” “hold the door”)

Now a word that I do tend to throw around a lot is “idiot.” I think because I was raised to believe that the human brain is the coolest thing ever, and you’d be a fool to not take advantage of that. Still I run into people that seem like they’re preserving their brain power for use at a later date. Group think is not a form of energy conservation and stereotyping is just laziness.

One day when I was very young, I found a one of those horrible racist joke books where the jokes are all divided into categories: black jokes, polish jokes, oriental jokes (yes, it actually said “oriental”), blonde jokes and so on. Even though I know I read it from cover to cover, for some reason I mostly only remember the black jokes. I’m sure that I didn’t understand half of them because I didn’t know all the stereotypes, but somehow they made an impression on me.
  • What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach
  • What do you call a white guy surrounded by 11 black guys? Head coach
  • What do you call a white guy surrounded by 30 black guys? A victim of gang violence
Looking back on it, I recognize that the jokes weren’t particularly funny and I almost wonder if the point was really to point out how dumb we are and unreasonably similar we can be in our judgment of others.

How often has a stranger made you mad and the first thought to pop into your head wasn’t necessarily the most politically correct one? We call senior strangers “gramps” or “grandma,” flamboyant strangers, “fags,” black strangers, “nigger” and when we can’t figure out an obvious difference, then we just go for “ugly.”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

...This is Pretty Cool...

I usually ignore commercials, but this is one of the few this year that's really managed to catch my eye.

I admit I originally thought the Pepsi Refresh Project wasn't much more than promotion tactic. You know, one of those, "Look at us pretending to care about the community even though we're just a giant greedy conglomerate" type of deals.

Now I'm happy to admit that I was wrong. It's actually quite fascinating, and I came across a lot of interesting projects in a very wide variety of categories all quite worthy of a vote.  And you have the added value of learning about projects that you might want to help in some other way if it's possible. I found a local organization that I'm thinking of volunteering for considering their needs, I might actually be useful. How cool is that?

So in a weird way, the promotion tactic worked. I don't usually drink pop (that's "soda" to you non-Midwesterners), but on the rare occassion I need something fizzy, I'm more likely to grab a Pepsi after all.

Go cast some votes here!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

...You are Definitely a Jackass...

“Jackass” is not a word I throw around a lot. 

Mostly because I’m a fan of Abraham Maslow, so I’d like to think that even the biggest jerk in the vicinity is really just heartsick and unfulfilled. But sometimes, some people are just losers.

In the second grade, I was terrorized by a trio of bullies.

The boy bullied me because, I would imagine, he was angry about being 30, looking 50, and being in the third grade. Well, okay he was only about 12 but he did look like a hardened old man. He had giant hands and muscles. And probably some tattoos, though I can’t be sure about those. But trust me, he was big and mean and old. This was back when they would actually make you repeat a grade for not doing well. And since all he ever did in class was sleep, punch the nearest kid, or throw books at the teacher’s head, I don’t imagine he had much time to focus on his studies.

The girl bullied me because she liked the boy. I guess she thought he would like her, too if she kicked around his favorite target: me. You would have thought that they would have liked each other anyway just because they had so much in common. She was old and mean, too. She started the school year in the fifth grade and within two months was dropped back two grades to the third. And since I think some teachers secretly like to humiliate kids, this fact was made public to us on her first day in class.

Now there I was: six years old, small for my age and in a classroom split with second and third graders, and regularly pointed out as the smartest kid in the class.

Bully meet your victim for the year.

The second girl that bullied me was friends with the first girl. I think jumping me on the playground was a bonding activity for them.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

...This is Star Quality...

As far as performers go, Mr. West is definitely the brightest star in my sky this week...

And a different kind of genius... Diddy continues to be one of the best showmen in the business

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

...I Am a Writer...

Here’s what I imagined happened during my time in Soul School. That’s where we go to prepare for life on earth before we are born.

I got distracted. I was reading or watching Bugs Bunny or playing with my Barbies or the "Doll House People" (I believe Fisher Price calls them "Little People"), but somehow I got distracted and lost track of time. Next thing I know I’m impatiently standing at the end of a very long line hoping to still get something good. Finally it’s my turn at the window.

“Next!’ he yells and I leap forward and smile. I’m on my toes, straining my little leg muscles to get my head over the countertop. My short fingers are trying not to slide off the edge.

In my best, most polite adult voice I say, “I’m here to pick up my talent, please.”

“Yeah, well this is the talent window. Whaddaya want?”

Sunday, October 3, 2010

...There's a Party in My Tummy...

Yeahhh! So yummy, so yummy!

We are the tiny ugly germs! This one is catchier than the cooties singing in it.

And more Yo Gabba Gabba! awesomeness

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

...I've Never Been Kissed...

In my lifetime, I have only kissed three men:
  1. the Sardine
  2. the Toilet Bowl
  3. the Prize-fighting Dentist
Part of the reason for the low number is that I’m a little old school when it comes to kissing.  Like sex, I believe this is a very, extremely, incredibly intimate act. You are sharing a life-sustaining breath with someone, and exchanging pieces of your soul in the process. If you kiss a crazy person, you get a little crazy. And likewise they take away a little of who you are, too. So be careful who you kiss!

The other part of the reason is just bad, bad, horrible, awful experiences that pretty much left me turned off of kissing, possibly forever.

The first guy to ruin kissing for me was the Sardine. He snuck up behind me, yanked my head back using a fist full of my hair, and shoved something that felt like a stiff and angry sardine into my mouth. Turns out it was his tongue. I couldn’t even kiss him back because I was too busy trying not to gag. In the middle of this assault, I noticed two of his friends watching which pissed me off. I gave him an elbow to the throat and ran off.

He later confessed that his friends told him to kiss me to prove I was really his girlfriend. He had the nerve to tell me that I was a bad kisser. We broke up shortly thereafter.

I really liked the second guy so despite our horrific first attempt at kissing I foolishly kept trying. I just assumed that when I said, “kiss me” he thought I said, “wash my face with your tongue.”

Just writing this is making my face feel itchy and disgusting.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

...Mayhem is Hot!!...

I've been a fan of Dean Winters ever since Oz. These commercials are better than half the shows on TV right now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

...I'm Getting Older and Wider- uh, Wiser...

This post contains an eensy-weensy , teeny tiny bit of nudity. If that offends you, makes you uncomfortable, or if someone like a parent or significant other will beat you senseless for looking at it, please skip to another post. Otherwise, hit the jump for the story.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

...It's Time for the Shake-alator...

I don't know that anything will ever be funnier than the Cheerleader, but the fireman in the first video, and air traffic controller in the second video certainly do come close.

Say it with me: "Oooooooh!" - Don't worry, you'll know when.

Seems like she almost enjoyed that.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

...The Break's Over...

A few observations upon returning to work after a two-week vacation

  1. I think my job might be bad for my health. I ate breakfast every day and got more exercise on my vacation and all that immediately dropped off when I got back. I also noticed I haven’t been sleeping as well. Working at a job you don’t love is a slow suicide.
  2. I’m not as popular as I used to be. After being off for two weeks I came back to only 258 emails. I used to get about 100 messages a day. Granted, they were dumb messages that should have been directed elsewhere, but still… I’m so unloved.
  3. A weird thing happens if you bite down on your bottom lip and then suck on the flesh that’s in your mouth while still biting. Try it, you might like it. (Now stop it. You’ll regret it later)
The last time I took more than a few days off, on my first day back I went out to my car in the morning to find a one-legged frog parked in the next parking space. I looked around because I thought it was a prank. Then I glanced up because I thought it was the apocalypse. I loaded my library bag in the trunk and got a closer look.

It was definitely a frog. It was definitely missing a leg.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

...You Know You Can Relate...

Even if you don't want to admit it, this is funny for more than a few reasons.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

...You Can't Go Home Again...

I learned a few interesting things since starting my vacation a little over a week ago.

  1. Pharrell Williams likes Earth, Wind & Fire. This proves two things:
    1. Despite much internet debate, the man is black. All black people born before 1985 in America love EWF; it’s embedded in the DNA
    2. We have strikingly similar taste in music. So the only difference between us musically is that he’s a gifted musician, songwriter and performer and I’m uh, …well-- other than that we’re practically twins. I could be the next big thing in music…. If he falls off the planet and everyone else loses their sense of hearing.
  2. Doritos in the pink bowl are still the best thing ever.
  3. I figured out what silence looks like: Fluffy dark green nothingness with pink, yellow and light blue sparkles. (And yes I was totally sober)
  4. And perhaps the scariest, saddest and most unsettling thing I learned is that you really can’t go home again.
And I think it’s because when you get there, it’s just not home anymore.

Every so many years, we drive past the old house I grew up in. We travelled the three blocks between Outer Drive and 8 Mile. My dad’s best friend lived on the block between Remington and Outer Drive, we were two blocks down, between Winchester and 8 Mile (no gun jokes, I’ve heard them all before!)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

..."I Missed You So Much I Followed You Today"...

Very few people know every lyric to this song until they get to the monologue. Then they know every word.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

...The Gratitude Continues...

I didn't forget about this list, it's just been a rough past couple of months.
You can see the start of it here.

19. Grapes
20. Cold water
21. Pop Tarts (up yours, Toaster Strudel- you suck!)
22. Very cold milk
23. Nurses
24. Flags at full staff (Get your mind out of the gutter. Literally American flags at full staff)
25. Cool bosses
26. Dollar stores
27. “Paint with Water” books
28. Coloring books
29. The smell of new crayons and the sound they make when they move across the page
30. Back to school sales (What?! I like office supplies!)
31. The library
32. Fresh baked goods (cookies, cupcakes and pies, oh my!)
33. Quiet moments
34. Guys with nice smiles
35. Sunny days with low humidity

I don't understand every word but great music somehow always translates

Here's the deal with this one. The harmonica has been stuck in my head for over a month in a loop. No lyrics, no other parts, just the harmonica. And it was so familiar but I could not for the love of anything figure out what song it was until a few days ago I read something that triggered the rest of the song. Whew!! That was making me crazy!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

...They're Seriously Trying to Make Me Snap...

A week after posting about the Lupe fiasco, here is a re-enactment of me reading  and finding out that the release date for the new CD, "Nothing" is being pushed back *AGAIN* ....and this time they're not even giving a date!!

Is it the label? Artists' perfectionism disorder? What?!?!?! It's done already! Let us have it! Set the music free, man!!
So here's what I'm thinking~
They can give us the music or we can find them and come and take it.
And it won't be pretty. But it will be worth it. Here's a preview:

Excellent "Sooner or Later" live performance. I guess that's when we'll get the album, sooner or later.
Video - Sooner Or Later (MTV Session) - N.E.R.D. - N.E.R.D Sooner Or Later (MTV Session)...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

...It's Still Crud...

My position still stands: the problem with the current state of music is the industry itself.

Music industry executives are blinded and apparently rendered deaf by their greed, leaving frustrated music lovers without anything good to love.

Artists and the people directly involved in making the music are all that’s needed, everyone else needs to get out.

That said, Atlantic Records (is it still Atlantic?) is holding Lupe Fiasco’s “L.A.S.E.R.S” CD hostage in exchange for people pretending to enjoy artists like Flo Rida.

There’s an online petition to get the CD released and you can click here to sign it.  I don’t think these things really work, but it might make you feel better to sign it.

If the petition fails, Lupe can always re-record it to sound like complete garbage which will result in it being promptly released to stores with singles being played at :08, :28 and :48 on the hour.

Good advice:

I hear that these Minions are actually Lupe. Which explains their phenomenal flow and skills.
What do we think about Vector? Booooooooo!! I love that part!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

...Today is Bittersweet...

Today would have been my Dad’s 65th birthday!!

If you like this blog, you have him to thank for it. My dad was the one that impressed upon me the importance of learning something from every experience, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant. He gave me my love of music, wild animals, and the night sky. And most favorably, my curiosity about how all things work.

Dad was smart. Not just NY Times crossword puzzle, Jeopardy smart, but extra smart. I remember he wrote and illustrated a manual for me on how to always solve the Rubik’s cube. It worked, too. I still kick myself for losing that thing, and the cube remains a jumbled mess.

He had a fascination with numbers and an ability for finding their patterns that would impress John Nash. And he was funny, no matter what I could always count on Dad to make me smile.

But he could be mean, too.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

...He Grabbed Two Beers...

This post is dedicated to Steven Slater, the Jet Blue Flight Attendant who gave the coolest job resignation since Scarface in "Half Baked."

There are whispers at my job that they want to promote me to a new position.

Hold your applause.

I’ve witnessed enough in the last few months to be skeptical about this. Certain people around these parts believe in the move them up… and then move them out method of termination: “We created this position just for you. Oops, we don’t have any more funding for it. Sorry! HR will send you your last check one day within the next 90 days. Been nice knowin’ ya.”

Most of the players involved in this theatrical production are people I feel mostly confident that I can trust. (Yes, shocking, I know. But I do actually trust people on occasion. Very rare, few, and far between occasions, but still…) But that “gut feeling” in me tells me to not to rest easy on this one.

As you know I have a problem with honesty. I relish it in other people, and have an over abundance of it myself. Lying is more effort than I have to spare, so I’m truthful about everything. Or else I just keep my mouth shut.

But you can see where these could create problem.

There were a couple of situations where my honesty and bluntness maybe left a few people rattled. “Important” people. Like birds- that- can- shoot- back- if- you- ruffle- their- feathers type of people.

These people are suspiciously silent about the whole thing. These people also previously ignored and avoided me and now they smile and make a point of speaking to me whenever our paths cross which I find, frankly, a bit on the shady side. None of this helps my paranoia.

I’ve been asked if I would be interested in the “upgrade.”

My answer was a hesitant “yes” through tightly gritted teeth. Which made my headache bad. Which made me angry. Which made me eat a cookie –except the cookie didn’t help. So I wasted a perfectly good cookie enjoyment experience. I don’t like having my mind all wound up about things I’m not even clear on and really can’t do much about even if I was clear on it.

I’m thinking the lesson in this is supposed to be about “relaxing” or something. Trying to accept the situation, or go with the flow… grow in the mud like a lotus- something like that.

Or maybe it’s another sign that it’s time for me to make some personal changes and make some moves.

I don’t want to be in my home, I barely want to be in my own body, and now I’m starting to question being in a job that I’ve always loved. It’s rare to love your job. And I’m glad to be working, but …

…One wonders--again-- if maybe it’s time to wander off somewhere.

You tell 'em, Scarface!

This song wasn't really stuck in my head, but it seems to be "following" me around- it just keeps popping up for some reason. I really, really miss real singers.

The song cuts off before the video does, but the quality is excellent. And the song is absolutely beautiful- classic favorite!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

...WXYZ is Full of...

I always turn on the Weather Channel first thing every morning. Of course, when the TV comes on, it’s on whatever channel I had on last before the timer goes off.

This morning it was on WXYZ, Channel 7 here in Detroit.  My mom loves this channel.

I can’t stand them.

My mom still thinks the news is just the news and not biased, editorialized, racist, or otherwise slanted. Whatever they say is how it happened.

She’s wrong.

So this morning they took a break from their apparent daily arousal at reporting any piece of news that makes the city of Detroit look worse than it is and reported a story about a nice man with a disability named Kevin that will be participating in a 300 mile bicycle race to raise money for charity.

At the end of the report the morning anchors blurted out some website to donate, did the fake TV news laugh complete with “Haha, what an inspiration. Haha.” And then moved on to the next thing.

I checked the station’s website with the little information that was presented to try and find the link and if it’s there, I sure can’t find it.

I tried calling and no one answered (all out in the field picking up more bad news I suppose) so I sent an email through the contact link.

This morning (7/22/10) just before 7am, I caught the end of a news story about a man with a disability (I think visually impaired) with plans to participate in a 300 mile bicycle race for charity. The website to donate to his cause was blurted out at the end but *not* repeated and I can't find any information on your website based on the very little information that was available during the report. I would like this address please so that I can donate and pass it on to others to do the same. - Thank you,

The autoreply:
Thank you for contacting us. We value your opinions and suggestions.
Our team will respond accordingly to your submission.

Two weeks later I still don't have a reply. So if by "respond accordingly" they mean, "we will ignore your request" they are right on the money.

I tried to see what I might be able to find elsewhere online using the few clues I do have “kevin d” “disabled” “blind” “cyclist” “charity” and still no luck.

In the meantime, I would encourage Channel 7 to lighten up a little on the reporting, re-reporting and then reporting yet again any stories that leave the viewer feeling sick, angry, sad, fearful, or disgusted.

This does not spawn action, or change, it just makes it look like every stereotype of the city is true, and it’s not.

Good things happen here all the time, but unfortunately you don’t want to report that.

You’d much rather loop the same dumb footage of Kwame Kilpatrick sitting absolutely still in court doing and saying nothing and spend 40 minutes of the hour talking about that with the rest being about fires, crime and corruption. I’m not saying those things don’t happen or aren’t important, but would it hurt you to do a little digging, and find out some good things happening in Detroit and present a fair, more balanced representation of the day’s events?

Oh wait, that would be too much like responsible journalism.

And you don’t do that.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

...Language Nerds Rule...

Because we find this way too funny.
Take a look now before it gets yanked like all the other classic cartoons online!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

...Hopefully You'll Find this Interesting...

I keep seeing these questions on all the blogs I visit so at the risk of being ordinary, I thought I’d try them, too. I can’t possibly imagine what you might get something from it that might be helpful to you, but try and enjoy it anyway.

What do you hope to accomplish in the next 10 years?

  • A beautiful living space that I am happy in.
  • I’m published (an actual book deal, not the stuff I did in school, or that I do now at work).
  • And a nice, fun, and reliable travelling companion.

Describe yourself in one word?

  • “multifarious” (That’s kind of cheating, right?)

Do you have a mantra?

  • No, not really. (That’s not the mantra, I’m saying I don’t have one.)

If you weren't a Guv’ment drone what would you be?

  • Full time writer (fiction, comics)
  • Voiceover artist for cartoons
  • Neuroscientist
  • Ballerina
  • Opera singer

You feel happiest when?

  • Everything is quiet, nothing hurts, my breathing is even and the room smells good.

People would be surprised to learn ...

  • I’ve “never been kissed”
  • I play 4 musical instruments (I just don't play them well)
  • I can wriggle my eyebrows like this

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

...School Is For Suckas...

And the rest of my Top 12 Scams of Everyday Live that I’d like to get “in” on.

-1-  College: Save money for 18 years so you still have to take out a loan to waste four years of your life being spoon-fed information that will be completely useless to you for the rest of your days.

And that better job you’re supposed to get with a college degree is more about who you know than what you know.

-2- Doctors: (Not nurses, medical examiners or forensic pathologists). Add the drug company bonus for getting you hooked on certain drugs and the incentives to diagnose (or not diagnose) certain illnesses to their regular salary and you have a nice little bankroll going.

In 12 years, I haven’t found anyone to diagnose the cause of my headaches but I have enough drug samples and cancer screenings to open a small clinic.

-3- Insurance (any kind): You pay hundreds or thousands of dollars a year to make sure you don’t have to pay hundreds or  thousands of dollars that you might not have had to spend in the first place.

-4- BP or Bank Executive: I don’t know what these people get paid to do, but they seem to be very well paid for not doing it, barely doing it, or doing a crappy job of it.

-5- “Urban” Clothing Lines: Make giant tees and jeans. Shrink them and call them the “woman’s line.” It doesn’t matter if they fit, people will buy them because of the name.

-6- Taxes: If there is “no taxation with representation” then shouldn’t you be excused from paying taxes if the guy you voted for doesn’t win? Don’t like your representative? No city taxes. Hate the senator? No state taxes. Voted for the other guy for president? No federal taxes.

Voting’s not all that “secret” or “anonymous” anyway, so all you need is a “receipt” at the voting booth.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

...This is Musicianship at Its Finest...

Despite a slight speech impediment and a less than cooperative instrument, he finishes the song.
Still don't know what a "crambone" is, but this rocks!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

...Drummers Are So Hot!...

While I am a fan of all musicians, for reasons I can't put into words I am, have always been, and continue to be stuck on drummers.

Exhibit A - You don't know if you should shake your butt or laugh

Exhibit B - I wish you could see the look on my face whenever I watch this

Exhibit C - You almost forgot he was a drummer, too, didn't you?

Exhibit D - This one, too

Exhibit F - Is there no wonder Booty Greene has toured with Jill Scott and  N.E.R.D.

Exhibit G - Pardon my drool

The defense rest.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

...Prince is King...

It's unlikely that it would ever happen, but I would love to see Prince on "Dancing with the Stars"!!

In the meantime, please enjoy this classic.

prince dirty mind
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Still one of my favorite songs and videos!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

...Sometimes I Just Wonder ~ "Children's Songs" edition

These songs are deep, man

And yes, we were sober when we thought of this.

But during a sing-along with a friend, we realized that some of these children’s songs are profound, secretly coded, or otherwise more adult than you might originally think.

Not since reading the original Grimm’s Brothers collection of fairy tales have I been so enthralled by the not-so-innocent context of something! Amazing!

Bear went over the mountain

  • Summary: Bear goes over this mountain just to see what’s over there only to discover it’s just the other side of the mountain.
  • The Truth: It’s a cross between ideologies about the grass not always being greener on the other side, and a crisis tale of dissatisfied curiosity and exploration

She’ll be coming ‘round the mountain

  • Summary: This lady shows up on wagon pulled by six white horses and everyone goes out to greet her and celebrate
  • The Truth:  Song is about death, dude, plain and simple. The apocalypse is nigh!

Itsy bitsy spider

  • Summary: Spider rises, falls and rises again in his efforts to reach the top of a waterspout
  • The Truth: This one is really deep. He’s washed out by the rain, which symbolizes turmoil, turbulence, chaos, and other threatening setbacks. He could have died, man, but he hung in there for better days, regained his footing, and triumphantly crawls up again to his destination. It’s about not being deterred by life’s little upsets and knowing that the sun will shine again if we are patient, faithful, and diligent.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

...I Love a Good Wipeout...

ABC's Wipeout is the best thing to happen to me television-wise ever since my cable company killed off G4, depriving me of Ninja Warrior.

Prior to that I was addicted to another program based on a Japanese game show called Takeshi's Castle. I shouldn't say "based on" because basically it was the same show with English voiceovers.

At any rate, Wipeout meets my need to get a good laugh in every chance I can. Between the visuals, commentary, and sound effects, I'd say you have a pretty decent recipe for a guaranteed smile.

My personal favorite ~ Enjoy!

Have a Safe & Happy 4th!!