Wednesday, September 29, 2010

...I've Never Been Kissed...

In my lifetime, I have only kissed three men:
  1. the Sardine
  2. the Toilet Bowl
  3. the Prize-fighting Dentist
Part of the reason for the low number is that I’m a little old school when it comes to kissing.  Like sex, I believe this is a very, extremely, incredibly intimate act. You are sharing a life-sustaining breath with someone, and exchanging pieces of your soul in the process. If you kiss a crazy person, you get a little crazy. And likewise they take away a little of who you are, too. So be careful who you kiss!

The other part of the reason is just bad, bad, horrible, awful experiences that pretty much left me turned off of kissing, possibly forever.

The first guy to ruin kissing for me was the Sardine. He snuck up behind me, yanked my head back using a fist full of my hair, and shoved something that felt like a stiff and angry sardine into my mouth. Turns out it was his tongue. I couldn’t even kiss him back because I was too busy trying not to gag. In the middle of this assault, I noticed two of his friends watching which pissed me off. I gave him an elbow to the throat and ran off.

He later confessed that his friends told him to kiss me to prove I was really his girlfriend. He had the nerve to tell me that I was a bad kisser. We broke up shortly thereafter.

I really liked the second guy so despite our horrific first attempt at kissing I foolishly kept trying. I just assumed that when I said, “kiss me” he thought I said, “wash my face with your tongue.”

Just writing this is making my face feel itchy and disgusting.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

...Mayhem is Hot!!...

I've been a fan of Dean Winters ever since Oz. These commercials are better than half the shows on TV right now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

...I'm Getting Older and Wider- uh, Wiser...

This post contains an eensy-weensy , teeny tiny bit of nudity. If that offends you, makes you uncomfortable, or if someone like a parent or significant other will beat you senseless for looking at it, please skip to another post. Otherwise, hit the jump for the story.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

...It's Time for the Shake-alator...

I don't know that anything will ever be funnier than the Cheerleader, but the fireman in the first video, and air traffic controller in the second video certainly do come close.

Say it with me: "Oooooooh!" - Don't worry, you'll know when.

Seems like she almost enjoyed that.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

...The Break's Over...

A few observations upon returning to work after a two-week vacation

  1. I think my job might be bad for my health. I ate breakfast every day and got more exercise on my vacation and all that immediately dropped off when I got back. I also noticed I haven’t been sleeping as well. Working at a job you don’t love is a slow suicide.
  2. I’m not as popular as I used to be. After being off for two weeks I came back to only 258 emails. I used to get about 100 messages a day. Granted, they were dumb messages that should have been directed elsewhere, but still… I’m so unloved.
  3. A weird thing happens if you bite down on your bottom lip and then suck on the flesh that’s in your mouth while still biting. Try it, you might like it. (Now stop it. You’ll regret it later)
The last time I took more than a few days off, on my first day back I went out to my car in the morning to find a one-legged frog parked in the next parking space. I looked around because I thought it was a prank. Then I glanced up because I thought it was the apocalypse. I loaded my library bag in the trunk and got a closer look.

It was definitely a frog. It was definitely missing a leg.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

...You Know You Can Relate...

Even if you don't want to admit it, this is funny for more than a few reasons.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

...You Can't Go Home Again...

I learned a few interesting things since starting my vacation a little over a week ago.

  1. Pharrell Williams likes Earth, Wind & Fire. This proves two things:
    1. Despite much internet debate, the man is black. All black people born before 1985 in America love EWF; it’s embedded in the DNA
    2. We have strikingly similar taste in music. So the only difference between us musically is that he’s a gifted musician, songwriter and performer and I’m uh, …well-- other than that we’re practically twins. I could be the next big thing in music…. If he falls off the planet and everyone else loses their sense of hearing.
  2. Doritos in the pink bowl are still the best thing ever.
  3. I figured out what silence looks like: Fluffy dark green nothingness with pink, yellow and light blue sparkles. (And yes I was totally sober)
  4. And perhaps the scariest, saddest and most unsettling thing I learned is that you really can’t go home again.
And I think it’s because when you get there, it’s just not home anymore.

Every so many years, we drive past the old house I grew up in. We travelled the three blocks between Outer Drive and 8 Mile. My dad’s best friend lived on the block between Remington and Outer Drive, we were two blocks down, between Winchester and 8 Mile (no gun jokes, I’ve heard them all before!)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

..."I Missed You So Much I Followed You Today"...

Very few people know every lyric to this song until they get to the monologue. Then they know every word.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

...The Gratitude Continues...

I didn't forget about this list, it's just been a rough past couple of months.
You can see the start of it here.

19. Grapes
20. Cold water
21. Pop Tarts (up yours, Toaster Strudel- you suck!)
22. Very cold milk
23. Nurses
24. Flags at full staff (Get your mind out of the gutter. Literally American flags at full staff)
25. Cool bosses
26. Dollar stores
27. “Paint with Water” books
28. Coloring books
29. The smell of new crayons and the sound they make when they move across the page
30. Back to school sales (What?! I like office supplies!)
31. The library
32. Fresh baked goods (cookies, cupcakes and pies, oh my!)
33. Quiet moments
34. Guys with nice smiles
35. Sunny days with low humidity

I don't understand every word but great music somehow always translates

Here's the deal with this one. The harmonica has been stuck in my head for over a month in a loop. No lyrics, no other parts, just the harmonica. And it was so familiar but I could not for the love of anything figure out what song it was until a few days ago I read something that triggered the rest of the song. Whew!! That was making me crazy!